I posted a very revealing picture of myself yesterday to show people how smooth and perfect the bottom of my feet were/are after my Step-Mom did a fantastic job removing every chicken noodle soup colored callous living down there. I don't have any before pictures of the bottoms based on the toes, you can imagine the bottom half of these bad boys #RIP.
Everyone gets real sensitive about their feet. Not me. I'm proud of my Harriet Tubman hightops. I used to be known for my quote-unquote slave feet, but I started taking care of them over the last couple of years. Cutting the toenails when they get too long. Peeling off skin after they get caught on my socks. But since the beginning of the quarantine, I neglected foot care upkeep out of rebellion but once I landed in South Carolina last week, I let my Dad and Step-Mom cinderella makeover my toes and toe holders.
I just wanted to flex on the gram now that I have perfect feet but you can never predict the power of an ugly foot photo. In the Twitter copy of my foot flex, "I have fish for feet." Somebody did some Don't F*ck With Cats level zooming and decided to focus on my soft, supple breasts. Rude.
A couple friends decided to play a quick game of "Whatchu look like" with the bottom of my feet (which I now know, resemble two jumbo-sized honey buns).
Then my Barstool Breakfast Brother Large jumped in the comment section and berated my beauties with a slew of foot-related insults.
If you're bored this Saturday, join Large in making me feel small although, both my feet and I are wide as all outside. What do you think my feet look like?
(Black Brandon is pictured in one of the stunning Barstool Breakfast Dad hats. Get yours today.)