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BREAKING: Jersey Shore Beaches Will Be Open By Memorial Day Weekend. What Can Possibly Go Wrong?

Welp, the Jersey Shore is officially going to become a hotbed for a bunch of mamalukes to spread contagious diseases this summer, which makes it...pretty much just the same as every other summer? Baby Blue I see you in two weeks, Baby Blue!!! Like everything else that is coming out of the easing of quarantine, there are going to be plenty of people upset that the beaches are open and plenty of people upset that the beaches aren't more open along with rides, playgrounds, arcades, and water parks. It's pretty much the epitome of the delicate balance of trying to keep keep whatever parts of the economy rolling while providing a bit of relief for people as long as they can be responsible. Which if I know anything about the Jersey Shore, probably won't happen.

Don't worry though, they have a plan!


BAHAHAHHAHAHA. Unless those "ambassadors" are all the gorilla juiceheads that got laid off from bouncing the local bars and clubs, I'm not holding my breath about everyone on the Jersey Shore being a responsible 6+ feet apart to #stopthespread. In fact, I am fully prepared for those ambassadors to #spreadthespread in countless beach fights which will lead to New Jersey being blamed for the inevitable bump in the curve once the fall arrives, which feels very New Jersey.

Hopefully everyone is smart this summer and doesn't instantly fuck everything up to the point they have to close the beaches, because not only do we need this virus to go away. But we need the Jersey Shore to be open for this man to get his cheeseballs.