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Who Should You Call If Your Pussy Is On Fire?

First off, I'm a huge fan of of the book and podcast "Freakonomics." If you haven't read it, it's definitely worth the time (that you have in spades right now). 

If you're not familiar with the book, Steven D. Levitt, not your typical economist, studies the riddles of everyday life--from cheating and crime to parenting and sports--and reaches conclusions that turn conventional wisdom on its head. That's how Amazon describes it at least. 

My favorite chapter/subject is all about names. According to Levitt, who you become is connected to the name you're given at birth. Some of that has to do with how society treats certain people with regal names or rich sounding names like Carter or Quinn vs ones that don't immediately give you the same vibe.. like Mercedes or Precious, or Tonya, and how that affects the opportunities given to those people throughout their life. 

I'm a big believer in names. Most likely the reason I hit on David Blattman, is because my name, Trysta, comes from the word "Tryst" which means a "secret rendezvous between lovers". 

So given that Blattman is all the way married, and saunters around in those tight gray sweatpants, I think it's my name duty to sexually harass him. 

The name Katrina is I think one of the worst names on the planet. I've never met a Katrina that wasn't either a hurricane or total white trash. If you're a classy Katrina and you're out there, send a flare. I'm open to changing my mind. 

Katrinas... are usually the kind of women that chew tobacco, have 1980s style perms, and have less than all of their front teeth. Katrinas are the kind of people that get drunk at their friend's place and call 911 asking for the fire department because their pussy is on fire. 

I know what you're thinking. That was EXTREMELY graphic and specific stereotyping. 

Actually, this is a real story. 

According to the Port Clinton News-Herald, Katrina Morgan, 50, was charged with a felony for disrupting public services and a misdemeanor for making false alarms. Morgan got intoxicated at a friend's house and called 911. 

This is the transcript of the call. 

Katrina Morgan: "I need the fire department because my pussy is on FIRRREEEE and I need someone to come put it out" 

911 Operator: "Ok well I need the address. 

[Click]

911 Calls back

"I am at Courtney Lawley's house and I need someone to come put my pussy out because it is on FIREEE"  

Ohhhhh Katrina Katrina Katrina. This was the wrong move. 

If you've had too much to drink and you're feeling that warm sensation in your crotch, the move is NOT to call 911. The MOVE is to drunk dial every single one of your exes that are in a 10-mile radius and tell them "that your pussy is on fire and you want them to put it out". I guarantee you that would have yielded a better result. 

How do I know? Every time I drink a few whiskey sours, that's exactly what I do. 

60% of the time it works, every time.