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Killer Hornets, Africanized Bees, Honey Badgers, World War Bee, and the Plight of American Honey

***DISCLAIMER: The following blog was written by Billy Football. Thoughts and opinions do not represent the views of me, Jake Marsh. I am just helping Billy get the blog posted.***       

The Asian Giant Hornet has been on my radar ever since I received my yearly Guinness World Record 2006 for my birthday, I was 7 and at the time I was extremely fearful of these large hornets. 

The Asian Giant Hornet is Native to the mountainous regions of east Asia and Siberia where the hornet, Vespa Mandarinia, nests in subterranean cavities such as abandoned rodent burrows or rotting pine roots. They are absolute HOSSES. Queens are 2 inches, the worker bees 1.6 inches, Drones (males who mate with the Queen) do not have stingers (SIMPS!). Those who sting are described as hot nails being driven into your body. The hornets individually can kill 40 honeybees a minute, a threat to an already struggling American honey bee population.

What I discovered though as a 7-year-old with access to google at the New York Public Library is that native Japanese Honey bees will all swarm the first giant hornet near the nest and before that killer hornet can call its friends to destroy the hive, all the bees swarm it and essentially cook it by vibrating so hard together they cook the hornet and ensure the hornet can call its hornet buddies to come to kill the bees. 

Wtf is the music in this video

Now there are claims in late 2019 that various large hornets have been found in the Pacific Northwest and Vancouver indicating a population could be establishing itself. Now the idea is extremely daunting that these killer hornets with no natural predators could take the U.S by storm and wipe out our AMERICAN HONEY BEES (MURICA), descendants of original European honeybees the pilgrims brought to America. (Not actually the bees came 2 years later in 1622). Now I have bad news… then some good news…

One of the reasons that American Honey populations have been having such a hard time recently is because… well… they don’t actually exist they are just invasive European honey bees we brought over. Like there are no native bees, all the bees are foreigners. This means there is no native specie to protect the integrity of. This means American bees could easily find resistance to the killer hornets if cross-bred with Japanese honey bees that know how to kill the hornets. That is if the Asian Hornet populations actually catch on in the northeast but could easily hit a native specie or parasite that they have a huge weakness to like 5G waves.

The Brazilians tried crossbreeding European honeybees with African Honey bees because European honey bees weren’t doing too well around the Amazon with all their creepy crawlies and those Brazilians needed their honey.  

But it turned out really bad because the reason the European Bees weren’t doing well because they weren’t aggressive enough for Amazonian insects, thus the Brazilian scientists were like “Yo let’s crossbreed them with African super aggressive bees and see if they hit a nice medium” and then boom African bees escape and are like the bees from the cartoons that will chase you for miles and hover above the water if you jump in. Like actual murderous creatures because they have to put up with African animals which we can all agree are the beastest (HONEY BADGER DONT GIVE NO FUCKS). 

Anyway, they escaped the Brazilian lab and have spread up to North America and we are all fucked because they legit suck and kill European bees. They have been killing people in the southwest U.S at a higher rate than other bees.

So here is my plan to defeat the Asian Giant Hornet big stinger fucker. We reevaluate the genetic makeup of American Bees by making them more multicultural by crossbreeding with Japanese bees and even African bees making them more resilient to Hornets and more aggressive but not too aggressive to combat Africanize bees. Thus World War Bee breaks out and the American bees win due to the melting pot of DNA and diversity of ideas.

Anyway at the end of the day we should realize that we have been predicting the landfall of Giant Hornets from Asia since the Guinness World Records in 2006. Its been 14 years, “Big Honey” has already made contingency plans for American Bees, and We are going to start eradicating Giant Hornets nests that will only be found in mountainous areas. African Bees have been in Texas for 20 years now, Texas is fine, These Hornets will be no worse than that. In China 42 people died from these hornets, considering their population and tech use, they probably had more deaths from trying to take selfies. This could just be a method to keep people in quarantine with the threat of Killer Hornets. Media sensationalism during slow news cycles. Please go watch honey badger videos they are hilarious.