My Wife Bought A Trampoline For Our 1-Bedroom Apartment

Listen I don't want to spend a lot of time on this but it needs to be addressed because I feel like people don't respect or frequent trampolines anymore. Well story goes I come home from work the other day and there's a trampoline in my living room/kitchen/family room/home office work space. Is that a fucking trampoline honey? 

Isn't it fun?

So fun.

Did you know exercising on a trampoline…

Oh boy. All you youngsters out there take notes. You come home to a surprise trampoline in your extremely small apartment in the midst of not leaving said apartment for nearly 2 months, and you have a choice. You either support your wife or you throw the trampoline in the dumpster. There is no middle ground and at this point I ask you what kind of monster you think I am? Of course I love a trampoline. Space restrictions aside there's literally never a bad time to get on a trampoline. 

Advertisement

Here's some fun facts: 

FACT #1 about trampolines: According to NASA, rebound exercise such as trampolining is ‘the most efficient, effective form of exercise yet devised by man’. In fact, their study found that 10 minutes of trampolining was a better workout than 30 minutes of running.

So basically trampolines are like time travelings through exercise. And, I know I can be a real dumb asshole but don't tell me NASA is wrong and that trampolines suck. You're not climbing that hill on my watch.

FACT #2 about trampolines: For kids who are wary of new things and physical activities, trampolines are a great way of building their confidence. There is no right or wrong way to move on a trampoline so they experience instant success, as well as the thrilling feeling of bouncing.  

Maybe a fact for some of you softer pussies out there that want the thrill of instant gratification. Well then good news because trampolines are for you. There's no right or wrong way so no matter how it goes you won't flashback to the childhood disappointment that consumed your parents. This is your chance to let all that shit go.

FACT #3 about trampolines (it's a stimulant): Experiencing the weightlessness of trampolining can be exhilarating. The increased oxygen circulation stimulates the release of endorphins that are naturally mood-enhancing.

Most importantly though we're talking tangible brain drugs. Even if rocket science and self-confidence isn't enough, take comfort knowing that you get a shot of life in the form of ENDROPHINS. The drug that makes people shit their pants over 26 miles and take laps around Soldiers Field in shorts during January. A good litmus test for a drug's potency is the extent abusers go to consume it. Not trying to start a cartel turf war here but Endorphins make a lot of experts' top 10 lists. 

Personally though I like the distraction. The bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce bounce is undeniable regardless if it's the freakin weekend. Imma have me some fun, all on this solo shot trampoline that my old lady found on amazon because honestly who hates a trampoline? 

MONSTERS