The Barstool Fund - In Support Of The 30 Day FundLearn More

Woman Arrested After Going on a 'Licking Spree' at a Sandwich Shop

Source - Grim surveillance camera footage shows the moment a woman went on an unhygienic licking spree in a cafe. The unidentified woman, who wore a black Champion tracksuit, is being hunted by police after walking into the Sub Station II sandwich shop in Sumter, South Carolina, on Monday. 

She could be seen licking the palms of her own hands shortly after walking in its door, with the shop’s floor clearly taped-out to encourage customers to comply with ongoing social distancing regulations. The woman then chose several items to eat, and licked her hands again before handing over cash for her food. 

She slobbered on her hands again before rubbing them on a card reader, and even licked several quarters before putting them in a tips jar, according to The Sumter Item. Afterwards, the woman left the cafe without the sandwich or chips she’d paid for, threw away the drink and declared ‘It’s in God’s hands now.’ 

After the woman’s departure, worried staff sanitized the entire restaurant because they could not be sure what the woman had and had not touched. 

Nobody can accuse me of being a Pandemic Alarmist. I'm being smart. I'm staying home for the most part and obeying the guidelines and wearing a mask. Still, I do not accept the most dire predictions and believe that in the long run, we're going to look back at this and say we erred on the side of caution more than we needed to. At least that is my hope. And for sure, I'm against narcing on people and shaming their neighbors for walking their dog or parents for the crime of taking their kids to a public park.

And then ... there's this. 

Bear in mind, we as a society destroyed Ariana Grande for tonguing a doughnut with just regular old garden variety cooties. 

And under normal conditions, I'm sure plenty of people would pay thousands for a pastry that had her adorable slobber on it. 

But now? With all we're putting up with? I want someone who goes on a saliva fueled rampage brought to justice. And justice in this case doesn't mean arresting her for disorderly conduct or vandalism or even Assault and Battery with a Disgusting Weapon. I want her charged as an eco-terrorist. No different than if she poisoned the water supply or buried toxic waste under an elementary school. I want her labeled with a mark of shame the way the Inglorious Basterds carved Swastikas into Nazi's foreheads so they couldn't pass as human beings after the war. I want a coronavirus tattooed onto her face. Then I want an act of congress to declare that she's not entitled to medical attention if she gets it. Then I want her to sleep in a ward full of Covid-19 patients. Then we quarantine her without cable or the internet and truly make her suffer. Fuck this monster. Let's find her and then put HER in God's hands.