[Trailer narrator voice]: In a world gone mad, where the table upon which our entire societal order sits has been flipped over, when we seem perpetually two weeks away from descending into collapse and chaos, one man came to give the people hope. His name was John Spartan.
Sylvester Stallone, you diabolical genius. Just when you think he's squeezed every last drop he could out of his other characters like Rocky Balboa and John Rambo, he digs deep to find the one guy who can perfectly capture this fractured moment in time.
You know how "RoboCop" made futuristic Detroit look like a fascist dystopia run by corrupt, totalitarian oligarchs, only the real Detroit turned out to be much worse? Well the future in "Demolition Man" seemed sort of farcical and hilarious, but we're actually living it.
In case you don't know (and I truly feel sorry for the way you've failed at life if you don't), the premise of the film is that the year is 2032, and the Political Correctness movement won. The world is just as they envisioned it. The cities of Los Angeles, San Diego and Santa Barbara have been merged into a peaceful, idyllic utopia, where violence has been wiped out and politeness is mandated by law. Into that paradise comes Simon Phoenix, a violent, murderous sociopath played by Wesley Snipes in the finest performance of his illustrious career. He had been cryogenically frozen for his crimes back in 1996, but was mistakenly thawed out and is on the loose in a society that can't protect themselves against him. So the only solution available to them is to also defrost Stallone's Spartan, the cop who captured Phoenix and was also frozen for ... wait for it ... crimes he didn't commit. (That was a recurring theme in 80s and 90s movies.) And to the cops assigned to work with Spartan, he might as well be a caveman.
Did I mention this is an action comedy? Explaining the plot the way I did doesn't make it sound like it is, but you'll have to trust me. It also has peak Sandra Bullock and supporting characters like Rob Schneider.
But again, it's perfect for this particular moment in time. From the lack of toilet paper:
Social distancing, even during sex:
Even social distancing during high-fives:
The control of language:
And the eternal appeal of Wesley Snipes with and Odell Beckham Jr. hairdo fucking shit up. I doubt he'll be in the sequel for plot reasons I won't spoil. But I wouldn't hate it if Stallone brings him back. Because he's Simon goddamned Phoenix.
Thank you, Sly. You've given us all a reason to survive this. Now if you could just get going on "Over the Top 2: The Return of Lincoln Hawk," you'll save the world. We need more entries in the Competitive Arm Wrestling Film genre.