Horror Movie Reviews Written For And By Someone That's Too Scared To Watch Said Movie - Rosemary's Baby

OKAY. This is gonna be a fucking creepy one. I know that for 2 reasons: 1 being that the trailer is literally 2 folks seemingly doing some sex, gargoyles, a bunch of old people looking thru a peephole, and a carriage on top of a smokey mountain. And the 2nd reason is that my great Aunt's name is Rosemary & she was actually pregnant with one of my uncles when this came out so I've heard my whole life about how much this movie scared her when it hit theaters. So yeah, this is gonna be some SHIT.

So the story begins with Guy & Rosemary moving into this old, creepy, gothic apartment in the Bramford Building in Manhattan. Their old pal Hutch from their old apartment tries to let them know that a lot of weird shit has gone down over the years. I mean Hutch is talking some crazy shit like 2 sisters cooking & eating children while some other dude named Adrian Mercato tried his hand at witchcraft & possibly found the real Satan. 

Turns out these 2 dumb dumbs ignore Hutch's warning and move into the Bramford anyways. They become friends with a neighboring couple named Minnie & Roman Castevet who seem to be QUITE sketchy considering they take in a girl off the street who later "jumps to her death" from their apartment. Guy takes a way bigger liking to the Castevets than Rosemary does & next thing we know Guy wants to have a "baby night" after he acting career spruces up. Turns out that on "baby night" Minnie gives 'em both chocolate mousse which Rosemary instantly says has an odd undertaste. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say there's something in that mousse that ain't chocolate. 

This next clip is precisely what inspired this tweet.

It looks like baby night's a go at the Woodhouse household after some questionable mousse & before we know it we are in some fucking psychotic dream sequence that would perplex even the biggest horror buffs. It starts off fine with Rosemary on a floating boat in the ocean before getting on a boat some pals. Sounds fine & dandy. THEN it gets out of bounds. Rosemary is seemingly naked while laying down a bed. Next thing we know there is A BUNCH OF NAKED OLD PEOPLE (her husband there as well), A SATANIC ABRAHAM LINCOLN, AND SOMEONE BRUSHING BLOOD ON HER. WHAT IS HAPPENING!!! Some old lady says "as long as she ate the mouse she can't hear nor see. she's like dead" so I guess "the mouse" is what they call her drugged up chocolate mousse? Before we know it a "demonic presence" is shown raping Rosemary while everyone else watches. Beyond fucked up. The sequence pretty much ends with her yelling "this is not a dream! this is really happening".

Next scene is Rosemary waking up telling Guy about her dream while we can blatantly see a bunch of scratches on her. That's before Guy tells her he still had sex with her after she passed out because he didn't want to miss baby night and that it was "fun in a necrophile sort of way". Uhhhhhh what the fuck dude? So at this point we sadly know Rosemary's Baby has definitely been conceived with the father being either this weirdo or Satan himself. 

Their friend Hutch eventually does some digging on their new friends the Casevets learning their true identity. He goes into a coma the night before he was gonna meet Rosemary to tell her about this before dying of a heart attack 3 months later. Apparently he regained consciousness enough to tell Rosemary's friend Grace to give Rosemary a book on witchcraft and that "the name is an anagram". Rosemary does her homework thanks to some help from Mr. Scrabble to discover that Roman Castevet is an anagram for friggen' STEVEN MERCATO!!!! The son of the Satanist Hutch warns them about at the beginning. 

She brings her newfound info to Guy who of course brushes it off & staaaaaaarting to think he's hundo p a satanist much like his pals over in the Castevet/Mercato apartment.

Later I think Rosemary makes a move to the doctor she knows, Dr. Hill. She tells him everything she knows that even apparently the Satan folk cast a spell on the lead actor in the play Guy is currently in so he could get his part.

Sadly Dr. Hill isn't a believer in the ole witchcraft so he calls up the Castevet's doctor who comes with Guy to bring her back home. I picture this is the equivalent to the now yous can't leave scene in Bronx Tale. No matter what way you turn you can't escape these satanist bastards in this godforsaken movie.

Once they get back to their apartment Rosemary is drugged by the devil doctor before goes into labor. She wakes up not remembering anything to find all the Satan people convened in the Castevet's living room with a black cradle in the middle of it. That is where devil baby resides. She rolls over there (knife in hand) to find this babies got some fuuuucked up eyes! Everyone in the room starts cheering their drinks while yelling out "Hail Satan!" in what's up there as one of the creepiest scenes I've seen. Mr. Castevet then murmurs out that he's got his fathers eyes so yeah that'll confirm it. The kid's dad is Satan. She birthed the friggen antichrist and they named him Adrian- kinda selfish for Roman Castevet to name the antichrist after his own dad IMO. To end the movie Mr. Castevet convinces Rosemary to go over and rock the devil baby's cradle which she decides to do. She looks at it very endearingly (is endearingly a word?) and the screen fades away.

Good GOD that was some watch. Last night I joked about not falling asleep after writing about the Exorcist yet I slept like a baby. Now tonight I REALLY don't know. This shit was in a whole 'nother league…Pazuzu wouldn't stand a chance against these crazy bastards. Listen there may be movies out there with more gore or higher body counts, but in terms of straight creepiness…idk if this could be topped. I now have one final thing to say…

Mia Farrow is a PHENOMENAL actress. Kudos to her.