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Can The Government Cut The Shit Already And Just Tell Us All The Secrets About Aliens?

So this video was blogged, reblogged, and talked about on all the Barstool platforms the other day because we are very clearly an Alien company. The funny thing is despite all that coverage, there was not one person that was surprised the government finally admitted that this video was legit and we had actual UFOs or UAPs or whatever fancy ass name you want to call them. I imagine the utter lack of reaction to such big news was because:

A. That video has been around forever

B. People know that not only do aliens exist but they were probably the ones flying those ships around because they have a brain and can see the technology on their iPhone


C. Nothing seems real anymore

Reason C is why the US government needs to just end this charade once and for all by emptying the aliens archives. I imagine a big reason Area 51 documents and all things alien haven't been declassified is because people are worried how the public would react. But 2020 has already been such a wild year, I don't know if aliens being confirmed would even lead off a Year In Review video. We had World War III trending, Kobe die in a helicopter crash, and Tom Brady sign with the Patriots all in the first three months and none of them are going to come CLOSE to trumping coronavirus along with whatever coronavirus fallout comes over the next 8 months.

After all the news stories, conspiracy theories, political bullshit, and countless hours in quarantine, we are numb inside. Nothing is real anymore. Day and night are essentially the same thing. The only difference between 9 am and 9 pm is that my kids are asleep. Weekdays and weekends are the same mish mosh of gray outside of the occasionally sunny day. Confirming that a few green fuckers we all thought were real are indeed real would result in a much needed distraction and jolt of excitement for humanity as a whole. 

If the government really wants to get crazy, they could declassify all the shit we have been talking about for years. Big Foot. The Lochness Monster. Ghosts. Unicorns. The location of the clitoris. Everything. Even the super secret stuff we don't know about, which you know has to be the good shit. They can even do it in the same press conference if they want to like the Chappelle's Show Deep Impact skit and let us have some fun since all we have are a few more Sundays of old Bulls highlights to keep us occupied now that the NFL Draft is over.