Dave Portnoy Reporting Live From the Eye of the Storm - Barstool College Football Show Week 5WATCH NOW

What Are The Top 5 Things That Are Worth Spending The Money?

Listen to the episode here

I think the question speaks for itself so let's rattle through these babies.

1. Cleaning people - I'm going to die having never used Pine Sol in my life. I will be on my death bed thinking a duster is just a prop that's used in maid-themed pornos. I will never, ever clean. That's a promise. But there is a HUGE difference in the day knowing you're going home to a clean house. When I leave my apartment and the cleaning guy (I know it's 2020 and I try to be as progressive but I'll be honest that always throws me off a bit) is there I walk to and from work with an extra pep in my step. I know my bed is gonna be made immaculately, the dishes will be done, the floor will be shiny, and the whole place will smell delicious. Once a month I have a genuinely happy day, and it's more than worth the price.

2. White strips - Your smile is one of the first things people notice and it's SO easy to have a nice one. It costs like 50 bucks and a half hour a day for a week or two. There is zero reason to still be walking around like you've got teeth from the 90s.

3. Birth control - This is kind of a loophole because it's not my money (but only because no one has ever asked me to cover it) but it's an absolute no brainer. The alternatives to birth control are children or condoms and fuck both of those.

4. Ticket to the big game - In the era of HD and whatnot people have said that the appeal of going to a game has shrunk. I get that. I'm not saying you gotta be in the building for a meaningless midseason game (although I do LOVE like a June baseball game where you never actually sit in your seat and just walk around the park and watch from different bars), but the atmosphere at a big game is unmatched. The electricity and emotion in there is only matched by a walk home to a made bed. Basically every single "best night of my life" prominently features a huge game, it's an experience you can never replicate.

5. Premium music - If you're still listening to music with ads you've got rocks for brains. Nothing kills the mood of a car ride that's rocking like a driver who cheaped out on the few bucks a month and now you gotta hear an ad for books on tape.

Honorable mentions:

Knives - since I'm at home I've been cooking with good knives and it's a world changer. In my apartment I don't even have knives, I just have pieces of metal I push through uncooked food. You get a good knife and everything is like slicing butter.

Uber - It's that or a DUI, make the right call. 

Speakers - we're all so used to hearing music through laptop speakers and think it's normal (or at least I am) but listening to a song you love through even decent speakers is a completely different experience. 

Booze - in college it's all the same, sure give me a well whiskey, but once you can taste the difference it's impossible to go back.

Pay-per-view/OnDemand - If you say you bought a movie the internet will scream at you. "WHY DIDN'T YOU TORRENT IT!!!" Idk, because I'm fine with paying to watch a movie, like I have my entire life, that's not a bootleg and doesn't have Chinese subtitles and is three button clicks away on my tv.