These Are 23 Questions "All Girls" Want To Know About Guys... Sure, I'll Answer
So this is a survey some Buzzfeed employees filled out. Naturally, I hate all their answers and think they’re stupid and wrong. So here are the real ones…
1. “What do you talk about at sleepovers?”
We don’t have sleepovers anymore because we’re not in elementary school anymore. Back then we talked about how gross you girls are and what cooties we caught. Now if I end up staying at a friends house drunk we usually talk about ordering pizza.
2. “Why does it take you so long to poop?”
Only place a man can get some peace and quiet. I’m a big time pooper. I’ll set up shop in there for like 45 minutes. Bring a laptop, a dip, my cellphone. It’s practically my living room. Only place I can do what I want without people annoying me.
3. “Do you shiver when you pee in the morning? Is that a thing?”
No.
4. “What’s the deal with drawing dicks all over everything?”
This seems like another elementary school thing. Can’t really recall the last time I just drew a random dick.
5. “Are all your exes reaaaaaallllly ‘crazy’?”
Yes. If you’re a girl, you’re crazy. Like in Role Models the kid who says “You white, you Ben Affleck.” You female, you crazy.
6. “Why do you put your dicks inside random objects?”
You’re thinking of the movie American Pie.
7. “Does it actually feel good?”
Jason Biggs seemed to like it.
8. “Have you ever been catcalled?”
No. I’ve been complimented by a random person though.
9. “Do circle jerks really happen, like, just hangin’ out, platonically masturbating with your bros?”
Platonically masturbating with your bros? Do you hear yourself? Do all female sleepovers have a pillow fight that devolves into a lesbian orgy?
10. “Are all you ‘straight’ guys really not even a little bi?”
No, we’re not even a little bit bi. I know chicks love lesbian porn but that’s not one of those goes both ways things. I get why girls do it, female bodies are beautiful. Dude bodies are all hairy and fat and gross and full of farts.
11. “Are *all* of you obsessed with the History channel on the weekend?”
No. Sports are cool.
12. “Have you ever tasted your own semen, like, just a little, just to see?”
I accidentally watched a “snowball” porn once. Chick just randomly spit cum back in the guy’s mouth. I threw the laptop out my window. So no.
13. “Do you actually think people care if you buy tampons?”
I’ve never done it but I don’t think I’d care.
14. “Do you ever say ‘I love you’ to your best friend?”
I’m sure I’ve said it.
15. “How often do you get accidental boners? Weekly? Monthly?”
Daily and nightly.
16. “Why are you so interested in how big your friends’ dicks are?”
It’s a test of masculinity. How much can you bench? How far can you throw? How fast are you? What kind of pecker you got?
17. “And what’s up with the whole slapping one another’s butts thing?”
It’s either a sports thing or a gay thing. Occasionally both.
18. “What is your opposition to nightstands, or hanging things on walls for that matter?”
Same as my opposition to doing anything above the bare minimum. Why don’t I have Monets hanging? Why don’t I shower every day? How come I don’t dress like Don Draper every day? I don’t know, because I don’t care.
19. “Are blue balls a real thing?”
No, we made it up to make you feel bad. Same way you made up migraines.
20. “Does your dick ever get in your way when you’re walking around?”
Occasionally. It’s all about the underwear. A bad pair of underwear will ruin your day. If your dick doesn’t settle in them just right, your day is gonna suck.
21. “Do your balls ever stick to anything else on your body?”
Like aside from my leg? Because they stick to my leg all the time. But, no, they don’t ever get stuck to, say, my face. Damned if I didn’t see if it could reach when I was younger though.
22. “Are broken penises just a myth?”
Probably? But I still worry about them. Broken penises are the adult version of the boogeyman.
23. “And finally, what does having a boner feel like?”
It feels like you’re king of the world and the most powerful being in the universe. Unless you’re in church, then it just feels wrong.