Horror Movie Reviews Written For And By Someone That's Too Scared To Watch Said Movie - The Exorcist

My whole life I've always had a strong interest in horror movies, but I was always afraid to actually watch any of the movies I'm interested in because, frankly, I'm a pussy & like to sleep well at night. Actually watching Gore? Not for me. The Satanic arts? Not for me. Demons (Mean ghosts)? Not for me. Yet the actual plots of these movies have always tickled my fancy therefore every now & then I'll read a horror movie plot on wikipedia and accompany it with some youtube videos of the pivotal scenes all while covering half my laptop screen in fear. So I figured I'm gonna start blogging some of these for my fellow horror wanna-be's out there. Just cause we're scared to watch doesn't mean we shouldn't be able to enjoy the horror movie talk at the water coolers, too.

I figured I'd begin with what many people seem to consider the GOAT- The Exorcist. I threw the trailer above with a few things to say about that. 1) Was that James Earl Jones on the narration? I knew my guy had the Wayne Gretzky of voices but never knew he was in the trailer game 2) That was a KICKASS trailer. Are the hairs on my arms standing up right now? Sure, but that just means it was a kickass trailer. Let's get into the reading. (Spoilers ahead, obviously).

So it seems like it begins with this all-star priest named Lankester Merrin on some dig in Iraq where he has a mexican standoff with a statue that resembles a demon he's had a few tussles with in his past named Pazuzu. I'm gonna go out on a limb here and say Pazuzu just may be the villain here.

Cut back to America and there's an actress named Chris MacNeil whose living in Georgeotwn with her daughter, Regan, while she's on a shoot. Regan happens to come across a Oujia board which even I know is so not chill. There's actually a Oujia Board at Barstool HQ & that's the one pro of not having to go to work right now. That thing just stares me in the eyes 24/7/365. Fuck that thing. Anyways Regan says she met a friend named Captain Howdy on her Oujia Board. Will Captain Howdy be a nice guy or a real McAsshole? Time will tell. 

Eventually Regan starts acting up doing some CRAZY shit so Chris calls in some doctors to come look at her. Her bodies can't stop going nuts on her bed & she absolutely BITCH SLAPS one of the doctors when he walks in the room which if we're being honest was hilarious. Post-bitch slap she then sits up and yells at them to keep away & repeatedly says fuck me in some creepy gremlin-like voice. Quite foul language for a 12-year-old IMO. 

Ok! Now this is a scene I've heard of many times before! The Projective Vomit scene! Isn't it always great when you hear about something your whole life & then you finally see it? That's exactly how I felt the first time I finished Sopranos & that's exactly how I feel right now. Looks like this guy Damien Karras was trying to get his exorcism on by talking to Regan only to get thrown up on big time. We're talking huge nickelodeon-esque slime. Repulsive. I'd also be remissed to mention that Regan has clearly gotten INFINITELY worse as she's now covered in blood, scratches, and has green eyes.

In this scene it's looking like our guy Karras called in backup to our old friend Lankester Merrin for the big show. This is practically like Gronk coming out of retirement for one last go around with the Bucs. Lankester & Karras start screaming "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU" at Regan only for her to start floating with completely whited out eyes before tossing them around the room. As they're both on the ground Merrin looks out the window only to see his guy Pazuzu in the window. I believe that's the precise point that Karras hits 'em with the "Ight Imma head out".

Looks like this flick is gonna end with Karras being a hero with a capital H. He rolls back into the room to find Merrin dead of a heart attack then pretty much just has a "fuck it" moment & is ready to do battle with Pazuzu/Regan. He drops the gloves screaming at Pazuzu to take him instead of Regan which it eventually does. Next thing we know right as Pazuzu seemingly takes his talents over to Karras he jumps out the window to kill Pazuzu (and himself. H-E-R-O.

The end! All in all that was a pretty fucking good movie judging by those 6 scenes so I guess horror buffs know what they're talking about, eh? Was it worth me probably having nightmares about Pazuzu tonight? Time will tell because that's gotta like a -1000 favorite to happen later on.