The Barstool Fund - In Support Of The 30 Day FundLearn More

I've Never Seen A Squirrel Take A Shit, So What Is The Truth?

I was outside drinking my coffee this morning and came across this squirrel creeping on me in the neighbors tree, when all of the sudden I had a very high level thought.....

Upon further investigation I found that I was not alone in this high level questioning of the universe, in fact many others have wondered about the elusive ways of the squirrel and its bathroom habits, so I dug deeper. Do they poop? Why are they so secretive about their ways? What is the government hiding from us? This is exactly the kind of investigative journalism that I needed at 8:30am to get my juices flowing.

Exactly JULZRULZ, exactly!! There are millions of them, and not ONCE I have I seen one take dump, so I dug deeper.

I found a few claims on the internet from bold faced liars saying they have seen this phenomenon, but no follow up of the actual poop, or video evidence that can support their claim. How the fuck are you going to witness this and not get proof? It's like saying you saw an alien, I NEED THE FUCKING PROOF! I've seen the vessel, show me what's inside damnit!!

Sure, I found pictures of what some pest experts and mammalogists were claiming to be squirrel shit, probably just trying to convince homeowners to spend a ton of money for nothing, or legitimize the need to fund their crazy squirrel studies at Universities, pathetic!

I also found a couple videos claiming that the squirrel seen in the video was the one responsible for some feces also in the video, but nothing connecting the two. This video was released October 26th, 2016. The woman in the video makes a bold claim that the poop on her railing was caused by "Leafy", but it doesn't actually leave Leafy's ass on video, so very inconclusive, could be anything, could be a tiny downed drone covered in some kind of shit like substance for all I know, so I kept searching.

More claims, this time from November 18th, 2018 by a bunch of children pointing out what they say is squirrel shit. However, without the presence of an actual squirrel taking a shit, sadly I must believe this one is also just another case of perpetuating the myth by a bunch of short dummies that can't be trusted. Lay off the moonshine, kids. I needed the missing link, an actual squirrel taking a shit. I bet the Pentagon has tons of these videos, if only they would release them so we can know for sure!

Even more claims, this one from May 29th, 2014. Again, I kept running into the same problem, I just could not find evidence of an actual turd coming out of a squirrel's hairy little ass. Just because you call it a squirrel pooping, doesn't mean it's a squirrel pooping. 

Then finally a breakthrough! The following footage was released September 12th, 2006, and though the footage is a bit grainy, it does APPEAR to be a squirrel taking a shit, or is it?!?! I'm still waiting for the Pentagon to officially declassify this footage, so until then it might be a drone, or a rat disguised as a squirrel, or CGI, see for yourself. Very fishy, but by far the best evidence so far.

In conclusion, I am still not sure that anyone has actually ever seen a squirrel take a shit. Lots of claims of sightings out there, but all I have to go on for now is some grainy footage of a little dot coming out of a squirrels ass, and that's just not enough proof for me. 

I know they do it, I know someone has the footage that will put this all to rest, but they aren't releasing it for some reason. Maybe it's for the sanity of the world to not show us the real conclusive evidence, maybe it's just too shocking, maybe we just aren't ready. Until then we will have to suffice with scraps of evidence, and hope one day that we will be shown the real proof. 

In today's world of deep fakes and video graphics, it's hard to tell what is real anymore, it's hard to know who to trust, and when to trust them, and when to say they are trustworthy and not trustworthy, kinda like the government I guess. SHOW ME THE ALIENS YOU HAVE DAMNIT!!! 

I suppose in many cases what you believe all boils down to faith and not wanting to destroy the reality you have cooked up for yourself. I believe that squirrels do take shits, I have faith they do, even without proof, I just want to see it for myself!!

Have a great fucking day!