New Minnesota Bill Aims To Make Jerking Off Into Someone's Coffee Illegal

Source – Adding bodily fluids to something a person is going to eat or drink would be specifically listed as a crime in Minnesota under a bill headed to the House floor. A Blaine man was initially charged with two gross misdemeanor counts, one of fifth-degree criminal sexual conduct and one of attempted fifth-degree criminal sexual conduct, after an Aug. 26 incident in which he allegedly put his semen into a co-worker’s coffee.

The charges were dismissed in November by a Ramsey County judge, who said the crime required nonconsensual touching of the victim’s intimate parts. Under the bill, sponsored by Rep. Debra Hilstrom, a prosecutor from Brooklyn Center and Sen. John Hoffman of Champlin, placing bodily fluids in a substance intended for human consumption would be a misdemeanor.

You may remember this dude, John Robert Lind, from a few months ago who was arrested after jizzing in his co-worker’s coffee because he wanted her to notice him. Seemed at the moment to be sort of a “no harm no foul” type of scenario, but I guess Minnesota is still a little conservative when it comes to Jizzal Rights. They are now working on a bill that will make cumming into someone’s coffee a crime, and honestly, I can’t really blame them because their hands were tied here. It’s this asshole who was adding his own creamer into the coffee for multiple months that deserves all the blame.

JRL ruined all the fun for everybody. He’s the kid who killed all the cafeteria hijinks in school because he just continued to do them day after day until the teachers finally caught on gave you an in-school if they ever caught you doing it again. So now, you can’t cut out the middle of your lunch tray so the food falls right through the middle when the workers come by to clean it up, and who do we have to blame for that? Fucking John Robert Lind. That’s who. Now I’m not condoning jizzing into some poor unsuspecting chick’s coffee. That’s obviously weird as shit. I just don’t know how I feel about living in a world where that can be considered a felony is all. Kinda seems like that takes us men back a few years. But because this dude literally had zero chill, that’s where we’re at now. So thanks a lot, John. Appreciate it.