The Perfect Meals To Pair With A Tall, Cool, Refreshing Glass Of Bleach

For the last 24 hours my timeline has consisted of a whole heap of naysayers. "Don't drink bleach." "It will kill you." "I can't believe we have to tell people to not drink bleach." So while everyone is busy zigging, the Mick Man dove deep into his thought chamber to look for the gap not being filled by this line of negative discourse. Clearly, if people need to be told not to drink bleach, that means there is a booming market of people who will undoubtedly drink bleach. This blog is for those people. You don't want to get caught looking a poor, uncultured fool while pairing a Clorox with a steak. So, during these trying, confusing times, I'm here to help. Consider me your North Star sent to guide you along this journey. No need to thank me. 

Clorox

"Clorox is a white, surely this would pair nicely with a fresh slab of salmon, maybe even some swordfish if you're feeling frisky." Lol, WRONG. While undoubtedly the same complexion as Lena Dunham, Clorox is simply too thick for our pescatarian friends out there. Clorox is a perfect pairing for you red blooded Americans out there who eat nothing but steak for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Plus, once you have a bowel movement in three years, think of how clean your porcelain will be. We call that a "win-win" in the industry.

Lysol

I don't know if you've been out to a grocery store in the past month, but the shelves on certain aisles are as baron as your unwed aunt. So while Lysol is technically NOT a bleach, you might have to make do with what's available. This is no time to be picky. Luckily for you, my house hold cleaning supplies sommelier's pallet has just the meal to really wow your houseguests with this beverage. Because let's face it, if you're taking any of this seriously you most certainly are ignoring quarantine protocol and are having houseguest over with regularity. You big fucking dope. But say it with me, folks: kabobs. That's right! Kabobs. Lysol is a thinner, fruitier option than traditional cleaning supplies. It's the mid-summer night's dream in a bottle. Get you some nice lamb, peppers, onions, and skewer them bitches up over the grill with a nice, frothy glass of 'Sol for all to enjoy? Buddy,,,

Oxi Clean

Doritos and Call of Duty. Doesn't matter if you lean red or blue on this issue. Cooler Ranch and Nacho Cheese were both built with Oxi Clean in mind. Think of it as the Jolt Cola of cleaning supplies. It wont get you "in the mood" or give you a hangover like the first two options but it will give you an insane boost of energy and have you arguing with teenagers on the world wide web until 4 in the morning. You wont remember putting a hole in your dry wall but it will be there, don't you worry about that.

Old Dutch

Ahh yes, everyone's grandfather's favorite. Old Dutch is an after dinner staple. Has been in my family since the war, come to think of it. Picture a roaring fire, your favorite leather arm chair, an old dog by your feet - she's the only person you've spoken to in months - long before quarantine started - a song that somehow sounds like it was recorded in black and white softly fills the room with melodies of years forgotten, and the ice cubes clinking in your glass of Old Dutch emanate throughout the house. 

Comet

Lmao bro if you're drinking Comet you've got big problems I don't know what to tell you. Don't let anyone else know you're putting this garbage in your home let alone your body. This pairs well with the t-shirts of teams who lost the Super Bowl and an endless loop of the failures in your life played on a projector in your cat-infested living room. They wont even eat your corpse because your blood and skin is filled with Comet.