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What Exactly Is A Perfectly Double Tapered Shit?

I'm again running back a classic video while I gather my sense for the day. We got a big one coming up with the 2nd episode of our Late Night show dropping tonight that I can't recommend enough. But for now let's circle back on Brett because this story came up in Barstool Chicago HQ the other day when WSD referred to a flawless double tapered shit he had recently delivered. The room paused. 

A double tapered?

"Yes. From The George Brett Story" 

More pause. Memories jogged. 

Ah yes. A double tapered shit.

The conversation pivoted and the room moved on but my brain remained stagnant. It's a phrase I've said approximately 50 billion times in life across various social groups and circumstances and yet I've never consciously double tapered anything. If you've been following our radio show or really any of my content lately you know I'm having one existential crisis after the other. From Bill Gates conspiracies to binging WACO to finally watching the last episode of Sopranos and honestly I'm at the point where I need to start answering some of these questions myself. Too many sleepless nights lately just laying there like a big pussy, so here's what I found on double tapered shits: 

It's thin on both ends with the meat of your dump in the center of the log. Experts argue on a lot of things, but uniformly agree that a double tapered shit (DTS in the science community) is a sign of balanced fiber. Too much and now we're talking Lincoln Log level of uniform circumference. Too little and you're doomed for the old 2pm slop fest. Ultimately, this is the shape you're looking for as it imparts the least amount of stress on your ass over time. It's not impossible to regularly double taper, you just have to know your body. An extra cup of coffee in the morning could throw your whole cycle off. Or maybe too much leftover ziti at lunch or a rogue Fiber One bar on the golf course. And just like that your DTS is off the table which reminds me. Use promocode REDLINE20 for 20% off Dude Wipes at dudeproducts.com. If you got normal guy asshole like the rest of us, it probably deserves a refreshing experience.