So I just saw today's Mt. Flushmore and Dan's biggest irrational fear, getting robbed while you're in the bathroom, jumped out at me because I have been robbed while I was in the bathroom. I'll make the story quick:
It was my sophomore year at FSU and I was living in Villa Cortez apartments on Jackson Bluff Road in Tallahassee. It's in the shadow of Doak Campbell Stadium but not the best part of town and the apartment complex itself has a 2 out of 5 star rating. I signed the lease without ever visiting or looking at the place because I had a friend who went to FSU and he lived nearby, but it was was rough. Here's a review for context:
If a review drives you to caps lock then it's a real terrible spot, and they basically all start with "DO NOT LIVE HERE."
Anyway, I lived there.
And one day while living there, I was taking a shit in the bathroom when I heard quite the commotion in the living room. I knew my roommate was out of town and I didn't have any friends, so I was very curious who was having a party in my apartment. It was three ski-masked men. I always make sure to point out that they were ski-masked, because that makes them seem more dangerous and like they weren't fucking around, but the truth is that if their faces were completely exposed and they were singing their social security numbers to a melodious tune I still would've hid. Well, hid isn't the right word. I didn't hide. I just finished my shit. I slunk back into the bathroom like Homer into the bush, sat back on the toilet, and minded my fucking business. Honestly I wasn't even particularly worried or scared, I just locked the door and pooped and let those guys do their shopping at the 100% off sale in my apartment. I'm guessing they came for the new TV, since we had just gotten it and I was foolish enough to just put the box outside my door for a while before I took it to the trash, but they also made out with me and my roommate's laptops. I think that was it, though. I had an old Dell so I wasn't particularly broken up about it. Got a MacBook and never looked back, never got to thank the boys for that.
The most harrowing part of the whole situation for me was when the cops came to take my statement and asked me to describe the intruders. It was one black officer and one white officer and when they asked what color the intruders were (they had masks but it was Tallahassee, they wore t-shirts) I tried to swallow my own tongue. I had it in my head that it was racist to say that the black guys who stole my TV were black and stalled for as long as I could, but luckily the black officer made a joke and just said, "Son did they look like me or him?" while pointing to the white officer. We laughed, they left, and I never heard from them again. I imagine they just threw the report in the trash. Which I don't blame them for, there's obviously nothing you can do there.
But remembering this story today has had me pondering whether or not I'm a pussy. I am, of course, but I'm not one of those "I've never been in a fight" guys. I'm not a barroom brawler who goes out on Saturday looking to scrap, but I've been punched in the face (or kicked, whatup Blackout Tour) enough times to know the idea of it is a lot scarier than it is in practice so it doesn't terrify me. But this was 1000% the right move by me, right? If I had family or loved ones in the apartment that's one thing, but just me and some old electronics? Yeah, I'm not risking my life for that. Take it. You're doing me a favor. Like I said, it was an old Dell anyway.
I hid from home intruders and I'd do it again.
Thanks for reading this blog where I did my best to convince myself I'm not a coward.