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Here's A Mishmash Of All The Eagle Shit You Can Eat

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With so much drama in South Philly it’s kind of hard being Chip giant nuts Kelly.  There’s really too much going on I can’t keep track of everything without getting too emotional one way or another.  It’s absolutely historic.  So here’s everything that’s being pissed/blessed on your face right now.  A collection of everything in one spot instead of 40 separate blogs the Devnest will crash, anyways:

Chip brings on CB Walter Thurmond, yet another Oregon Duck that missed (almost) the entire 2014 season (torn pectoral).

Byron Maxwell officially inked for 6 years, $60 million.

Mark Sanchez is back in town to slay the lady millennial population as he’s been signed for 2 years, $16 mill ($5.5 guaranteed…makes for a lotta Long Island Iced Tea’s to dish out)

Big Nick Dick is reportedly THRILLED to be out of this mess.  Can’t say I blame him.  Foles was given a kind of shotty deal here and was never given full support from anyone, and he was still a class act.  Godspeed, Footlong.

LeSean McCoy digs at the Eagles and “jokes” he told Frank Gore not to sign with Philly.  Shady being mature Shady as always.

Jason Worilds, the Steelers LB the Eagles were coveting hard even last year before he was given the franchise tag, has announced his retirement.

Eagles sign yet another walking piece of glass in RB Ryan Matthews.  Both him Sam Bradford are already in town to take their physicals.  Here’s hoping they both can last 20 seconds on the treadmill before having to go on the IR because their legs fell off.  Assuming he can walk to the podium, Sam Bradford will be introduced later today.  

Kiko Alonso, Sam Bradford, Walter Thurmond and Ryan Matthews played a combined 10 games in 2014.  That’s nice.

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Garry!

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Shut your felonious face, Dez.

 

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Also: RELAX.  It was rumored a longggggg time ago a couple teams with high draft picks were keen on Sam Bradford.  Anything can happen, and by that I mean if we don’t get Mariota now South Philly might look like World War Z come April.

And that’s all she wrote, for now.  Expect another blog like this at 1 when Chip Kelly finds a way to trade for Bobby Hoying’s dick and Dave Spadaro spins it to be the greatest move in the history of sports.