Five Ways You Can Totally F*ck Your Fruits & Veggies

It's month two on isolation and if you live alone like me the odds are good you're feeling a little lonesome. You haven't gotten out much, you've picked up some filthy habits, and your body is craving certain things like never before. For the first time in your life you start eyeballing a new source of bodily fulfillment. Something new to cram down that hole. Again, if you're anything like me you're probably not used to using them for anything AT ALL. Like EVER. It's whole new world to explore.

So as my way of helping you out if you're thinking about getting into it, too, here's five ways you can totally fuck your fruits & veggies. I learned the hard way so you don't have to:

5. Refrigerating all of your produce. This can completely fuck the texture and flavor of fruits & veggies like melons & tomatoes. Not great!

4. Putting all sorts of different fruits in the same bowl. Bananas, apples, kiwis, and the like might fuck up the other fruits by making them spoil faster. They'd never stand a chance!

3. Boiling veggies. This can fuck the taste & nutrients. Same as if you chop them and then store them for a while before eating. Terrible!

2. Washing all your fruit at once before you're ready to eat it. This leaves moisture that could fuck with whatever grows moldy stuff faster. Yikes!

1. Putting cooked veggies in the fridge if they're still hot. Doing so could could allow certain bacterias to thrive & contaminate other stuff in there. If that happens not only would your veggies be fucked, but you might be, too. Bad news!

Anyways, those are just 5 ways your produce could be totally fucked if you're not careful. Hope this delights your food hole & keeps you from having to make any extra trips to the grocery store during these strange times. Bone ape tit!