Nutritionist Releases A List of The Foods Worst for Sex
If the words food and sex are in the same sentence I will use this picture.
SOURCE – The food we eat can affect our sex drive in both a positive and negative way, so it’s important to choose wisely when it comes to getting some action. ‘Food can have an incredible impact on our lives, affecting not only our physical health but our emotional wellbeing too,’ Elouise Bauskis, nutritionist at NutriCentre said. ‘The food we eat can affect our sex drive in both a positive and negative way.’
You know the drill: list, comments, grade. Let’s go:
- Black liquorice
Liquorice intake has been linked to lower testosterone levels. The stronger the testosterone, the stronger the sexual desire, for both men and women, so maybe best not to have this as a sweet treat.
I guess this is a heads up to all the octogenarians out there still slangin’ dick around the nursing home shuffle board court because nobody under 80 eats black licorice.
- Cheese
Dairy generally is a libido killer. For many dairy is congesting and mucus-producing, so not the ideal way to feel before sex!
- Beans
‘For some they’ll feel full of energy after a bean-filled meal, for others they may feel sluggish or at worst bloated and even an increase in flatulence, so best avoided,’ she explained.
K, fine. We’re not exactly breaking any ground here yet with Great depression era candy, Charlie Kelly’s favorite milksteak appetizer, and the musical fruit, but fine. They all make sense.
- Chocolate
Choose your chocolate carefully as not all chocs are bad. Go for dark chocolate that contains a minimum of 70 per cent cocoa, as it will be the most nutritious way to consume this delicious, sensual food!
So chocolate is only an aphrodisiac if it’s made with a minimum of 70% cocoa. That’s great news! Not because it means you haven’t been wasting years cramming chocolate into your wife or girlfriend in the hope of a blowjob when in reality your dick is dry and she’s just fatter, but because you don’t have to spend any money on extra dark chocolate. Go outside, grab some dirt, mold it into a rectangle and boom: dark chocolate. You’ve got the ol’ Pops guarantee that it will taste exactly the same.
- Hot dogs
The high saturated content of hot dogs can clog up the vaginal and penile arteries, making this the least romantic handheld treat around.
Ummm, hot dogs look like penises. One second you’re lady love is chowing down on a dog and the next thing you know she can’t stop thinking about your dick. It’s called subliminal messaging, read a book.
- Peppermint
The menthol in peppermint has been shown to reduce testosterone levels, sending your sex drive plummeting.
You can be the he-man with the testosterone coursing through your veins and the breath that smells like you’ve been chewing on a pile of unwiped assholes, I’ll be the guy with the minty fresh breath tyvm.
- Tonic Water
‘Quinine has been used as an anti-malarial agent, but it’s been linked to a decrease in sexual function, so avoid before sex,’ Ms Bauskis said.
Drink enough gin and tonics to be able to walk through an African mosquito swarm without worrying about contracting malaria, and it probably won’t be the quinine that’s inhibiting sexual performance.
- French fries
‘You may feel initially good on eating them, but pretty soon after, your energy levels will quickly slump, leaving you feeling low,’ the nutritionist said.
Nice try, but everybody knows girls don’t want sex to last for more than 90 seconds so a quick burst of energy is all you need! (Disclaimer: I may be doing sex wrong.)
- Red meat
For people that don’t have good digestive function, or ‘fire’, then red meat may sit heavily in them, making them feel lethargic. So it depends on the individual.
Not being able to handle red meat is halfway to vegetarianism; take heed of this path you travel, friends.
- Tofu
Tofu and soya products contain phytoestrogens, and eaten in excess, soy can decrease testosterone levels, so steer clear of tofu to keep your sexual desire high.
This makes perfect sense. Neither meat nor vegetable, tofu is the androgynous, asexual eunuch of the food world. It makes perfect sense that it would completely destroy any sexual desire. It’s the food equivalent of a fat, pale, bald, naked Ken doll. Least sexy food ever.
- Canned food
Processed food, suspended in time, there for the long haul, but providing little nutritional value, plus energetically ‘dead’ food. This definitely won’t increase your vitality, nor your sex life!
If canned food isn’t sexy then explain Chef Boyardee’s moustache and hat. Sexy af.
- Red wine
In moderation red wine may increase blood flow, whilst relaxing you and lowering your inhibitions. But only have it in small amounts, as you don’t want to overdo it!
The most incorrect item on this entire list and maybe the most incorrect item on any list ever. Red wine might legitimately be the number one reason that sex occurs in the entire world.
- Oatmeal
Aside from keeping you full energy-wise, oatmeal won’t directly increase your libido. Plus the high fiber content can lead to gassy feelings.
This must be for the same people that the “black licorice” info was for because the only people chowing down on porridge before they fuck are sprinkling crushed Viagra over it.
- Energy drinks
These are often full of sugar and nasties such as artificial colours and flavours.
If you have energy drinks regularly you shouldn’t be allowed to have sex. Drink coffee like an adult or get out of the gene pool.
- Broccoli
Ms Bauskis said: ‘Broccoli is rich in phytochemicals such as Sulforaphane and Indole-3-Carbinol which may help to decrease excess oestrogen in the body.
Note: if you want someone to put their mouth on your genitals, don’t eat things that will make you blow semi-toxic gas out of your asshole and into their eyes. I think we all learned something today.
Final List Grade: C+