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Some Doctors Say Farts Can Spread Coronavirus

Source - The smell may be hell but the mist could leave you pissed.

Two Australian doctors are weighing in about the spread of the coronavirus “down under” — whether it can be spread through farts, that is.

During Friday’s episode of the Australian Broadcasting Corporation’s “Coronacast” podcast, producer and host Dr. Norman Swan made a cautionary suggestion when it comes to particles of feces set adrift within a fart and the spread of COVID-19.

“No bare-bottom farting,” Swan advised about posterior pandemic panic, in a measured, mildly amused tone.

“Luckily, we wear a mask, which covers our farts all the time,” Swan said, referring to the protective aspects of pants, shorts, dresses, underwear and other garments. “I think that what we should do in terms of social distancing and being safe is that … you don’t fart close to other people, and that you don’t fart with your bottom bare.”

Meanwhile, Australian emergency physician Dr. Andy Tagg also floated the question via Twitter, asking, “So, can the bottom-based emissions of someone with coronavirus be silent and deadly?” ...

Unfortunately, as Tagg observed, there is “not a great deal of research” available to come to a firm conclusion about the perils of passing COVID-19 while passing gas. 

"Silent but deadly." Good one, Dr. Tagg. You beat the rest of the world to it. Proving that no matter who you are, how old you are, how much education you have, even if it's a medical degree and you're working in the fast-paced, high pressure world of emergency medicine - where every shift is literally a matter of life and death - farts are never not funny. As a matter of fact, there's a paradox to them, in which the less funny they're supposed to be, the funnier they end up being. So a fart at a funeral is funnier than a fart in church which is funnier than fart just sitting around on the couch. So it follows that an emergency physician cracking "silent but deadly jokes" in the midst of a global fart-related pandemic would be even more hilarious. 

But if the experts are going to ask us to not fart, or to stop farting at each other, or even waving them in each other's faces like Phil Simms' act of career suicide alongside Jim Nantz:

... well then I have three words for you:

We. Are. Doomed.

Forget about this. No sale. It's a non-starter. If the human race is going to be wiped out by guys playing the trouser trumpet on each other, then the human race is going to be wiped out. We've had a nice run, but we're going to die as we lived. You can ask us to shelter in place, close down our businesses, wear masks in public and stay six feet away from each other. But this goes against the very fiber of our beings. If some governors are worried about protests outside their mansions over Stay at Home laws, let them try banning this. The air around these places will be worse than Chernobyl. 

We've all been willing to make sacrifices in this. Every single one of us. But I'm warning you, this would be a bridge too far. This weekend I met up with Weymouth guys, some of whom I've known since we were six years old. 

You want us to keep our distance, fine. We did. But ask us to not fart bomb each other they way we did in the cafeteria, the playground, walking home from school, gym class, middle school, high school, prom, the rental Winnebago to those Patriots at Jets games, each others' weddings or the NFL playoffs at the Knights of Columbus three months ago, then you've got another thing coming. Start working on a cure for this, medical experts. Or get your affairs in order because if the survival of our species depends on guys not farting, there is no hope for us.