Someone Went Onto an Election Commission Virtual Meeting and Started Masturbating [Warning: We Don't Have the Video]

You know how, as the experts are trying to predict what our latest cliche' of the week: The New Normal, is going to be like, and they start saying how social distancing makes sense and we should use it going forward because we can still function just as well thanks to the technological marvels we've created? You know how they say that? 

Yeah. About that. There's one thing they haven't taken into account:

Guys who want to show themselves to the world masturbating.

I'm not saying there's a lot of them. But there are enough to cause chaos in this virtual world of cyber meetings and teleconferencing. Louis CK is not alone in his desire to make people watch him pleasure himself, and you don't need many to make this Brave New World a total nonstarter. 

Do I need to remind anyone about that hot new technology that was going to bridge the great divide and bring strangers together a few years ago, Chat Roulette? As is usually the case, "South Park" summed it up perfectly. 

Did we learn nothing from that? Or from basically any other form of communication people have ever invented? I'd be shocked if the first cave paintings or the first stone carvings weren't of a guy rubbing one out to shock the cavewomen.

So, while I can't blame the Indiana Election Commission for trying to hold a public forum, they were being a little naive to think this wasn't an inevitability. By definition the word "public" means "the entire population of a region, which includes men who want to flash their dicks." The root form of the noun is actually the word "pube." Look it up. 

If anything, it's been surprising this hasn't happened yet as these types of virtual meetings have exploded exponentially. It's a certainty that these jagoff artists are going to seize the opportunity to hang brain more and more as these forums increase. Even the closed groups will start getting hacked eventually. 

And I think the NFL is kidding themselves if they don't think someone's going to figure out how to turn next week's socially distanced draft into one big Lemon Party. It's going to look like High Roller Weekend on Jeremy Epstein's island from all the penises. And once we've had a couple of more of these incidents, people will finally realize this is not sustainable and start opening the country back up as soon as - and safely as - possible. 

Though I will say this: Everything I know about Indiana politics I know from "Parks & Rec." So I'm not ruling out they have a guy like Councilman Jeremy Jamm and this was an inside job.