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The Worst Of The Internet Part 6: This Guy

Close your eyes and imagine a 45-year-old “social media influencer” who’s known for “making viral memes making fun of memes.” Now stop doing that. Would I be so wrong in assuming it was a rather haunting or disturbing thought? Maybe it triggered a physical reaction of some sort or invoked feelings such as anger, confusion, or sadness. That would certainly be justified. 

But what if I told you, “45-year-old man who makes memes making fun of memes” is not only inaccurate, but it’s the absolute best way that someone could possibly describe him? As frightening as this sounds, he’s actually much, much worse than that. 

Sure, maybe he’s not conventionally evil or harmful or even bad. But my intuition is telling me that the universe absolutely requires him to be defeated, so I’m selflessly declaring him my new mortal enemy on the internet for the time being. Step aside, Sartorius, you little fucking douchebag. 

Michael Something Whatever is a middle aged menace whose foremost shtick is using balloons to re-format (steal) extremely old and common jokes, quotes, and sentiments under the guise of “making art.” And he desperately and painstakingly attempts to go viral online under the guise of “activism” and “just goofing off on the internet.”

Take his most recent “balloon art project” for example. A wholesome quip that’s especially relevant during the peak of a global pandemic.

Bravo, Michael. Too freaking true and funny and creative and cute. Sure, this catastrophically grown man didn’t need to wipe out the entire mylar balloon inventory at his local Party City, thus depriving a 4th grade girl of her ideal birthday bash, in order to convey such a message. And sure, a teen boy already went viral for tweeting that exact same thing five months ago. 

And sure, that zany young lad merely recycled a quote that’s been gracing Tumblr pages and poorly decorated studio apartments since the dawn of blogging and cyber quirk. 

But at least Michael added his own artistic spin to it and came up with the original idea of plastering that plagiarized message on the wall of a public buildin-

Oh. 

Well, who cares. He’s just harmlessly screwin’ around with his phone camera and spreading positive messages.

I wouldn’t sell yourself so short, brother. “Jackass with a phone camera” is how I’d describe a 22-year-old WVU sophomore from New Jersey who posts snapchats of himself pissing on people’s cars and faces when he’s blacked/barred out. 

Conversely, when you’re a 45-year-old great uncle who does hours worth of prep work in order to claw for clout and post a tweet that statistically has the highest probability of going viral, you’re much more than just a “jackass with a phone camera”...You’re a senior citizen with a psychological disorder. But at least he’s using his heightened platform to say things that “need to be said.”

Like “Fuck Nazis” for example. Just think of all the white supremacists who probably had a change of heart after seeing that Michael James Schneider boldly denounced Nazism with bright blue balloon letters and a spicy finger gesture. 

And just imagine all the disgusting cretins and Portland drifters who didn’t decide to start washing their hands amidst an infectious outbreak until a sassy silver fox told them to do so in the form of flashy mylar and pungent profanity. Think of all the lives Michael saved.

Sure, he could’ve easily just used his “heightened platform” to simply post the link to an old Medium article instead of spending all that time spelling out its headline with party crafts. 

But something that lazy would completely contradict his creative process.

59 balloons. Fifty-nine different balloons picked out, gathered, purchased, transported, pasted, posed with, and photographed. When he could’ve just instantaneously nudged the retweet button with one little thumb...

67.

Sixty-seven whole balloons instead of just sharing a video or even copy and pasting that age-old quote. 

But he’s no one trick pony...

Who could forget the classic “wine is my boyfriend” gag that’s been stylized and re-stylized by every name that begins with “Kay” or “Ash” since Enron was solvent?

Certainly not Michael, who went out of his way to anthropomorphize wine boxes to whimsically portray his significant other and force friends and family members into full-blown acting roles in order to elaborately add nothing to a decade-old joke, aside from people’s time and energy.

Ok, I’ll stop now. Yes, I’m a miserable hater. No, I don’t feel any better about myself for having a new enemy. But yes, I still felt the need to post this. Have a blessed day, everyone.