Getting Bit by a Venomous Tarantula May Cure Your Aches & Pains

As you might know from some of my past blogs, my mom is my everything. She's the single greatest human being I've ever met. 

When I was six, she left my father and braved the wilderness of raising a daughter, well below the poverty line, while battling an abusive, alcoholic psychopath of a baby daddy. She never once bad-mouthed my father nor discussed how much we were struggling financially. Even when I asked for Jordan shoes, Gameboys, and and and, she never burdened me with how poor we were. She always found a way to make it work. 

So, sorry to disappoint you, internet, I am in fact NOT a trust fund kid. I know you're as disappointed about that as I am.

Anyway, back to the point of this blog. My mom was pretty recently diagnosed with arthritis as well as spinal stenosis, an abnormal narrowing of the spinal canal or neural foramen that results in pressure on the spinal cord or nerve roots. She lives in constant pain, is unable to sleep for more than a few hours at a time, and unfortunately has to take opioids just to function somewhat normally. As you might imagine, she never talks about it. Most of the time she'd rather pitch me new content ideas to try out at Barstool.

The problem with narcotics, besides the high likelihood of needing more and more to feel the same relief, is that there are many side effects. Brain fog, nausea, and digestive issues are just a few of the highlights. Not to mention their addictive nature. My heart breaks for anyone who's had to struggle with opiod addiction, because it is, and I say this with all sincerity, a motherfucker.

So when I saw this recent scientific breakthrough, I was ecstatic. Elated even. 

A team of scientists has found that spider venom, particularly from Tarantulas, could be used as a potent pain reliever for various conditions. 

According to an article in Science Daily: 

The researchers at the University of Queensland have found that molecules in Tarantula venom could be an alternative to opioid pain killers for people seeking chronic pain relief. The venom from the Chinese bird spider, which has a leg span of about 20 cm, could potentially relieve severe pain, without side effects and the risk of addiction.

This is honestly the best piece of news I've received in quarantine. I know my mom is going to read this blog and call me to complain about "putting her on blast" but if I get an organic opportunity to share how much she means to me, I'm going to take it every single time, without fail. 


While this is scientific discovery should be great for society, it will be just as beneficial for spiders as a whole. Their image, frankly, has been a PROBLEM for quite some time. Outside of Spiderman, every other spider movie has been about murderous arachnids insidiously taking over the planet and destroying humankind as we know it. Which is bullshit because the two most universally hated animals on earth -- spiders and snakes -- spend all of their time and effort hunting and killing the things that actually hurt us. Things like mosquitos, responsible for malaria (which has killed more humans than any other disease in history -- look it up) and rats, which, I don't know, caused the BUBONIC PLAGUE. And yeah, I know it was fleas on rats, but without their rat wagons, they'd have never been able to spread a pandemic that killed 35% of Europe's population.

So yeah, you better start respecting spiders. And if they are able to utilize tarantula venom as a non-addictive pain killer, I don't want to see any of you EVER step on a spider again.