Masturbating In A Public Library While Holding A Cucumber Is An Interesting Move That Will Most Likely Put You In Jail

TORONTO — Toronto Police have charged a man with committing an “indecent act” involving a cucumber at library. Officers received a call around 11 a.m. Saturday for a suspicious incident at Agincourt Library in the city’s Scarborough area. They found a man holding a cucumber in one hand, while allegedly performing the same lewd act that library staff recognized from an incident in April. “On April 7, he sits down and a (26-year-old woman) sits next to him and he opens up his laptop,” Const. David Hopkinson said Wednesday. The man then started masturbating with one hand while holding a cucumber with his other hand, the officer alleged.

Fredrick Tennyson Davis, 49, has been charged with an indecent act and two counts of fail to comply probation. York Regional Police Const. Andy Pattenden also confirmed Davis was charged with mischief and an indecent act in a similar June 26, 2012, incident at a Markham, Ont., library. He received a suspended sentence and 12 months probation for the indecent act charge and a stay of proceedings for the mischief charge. When asked if Davis appeared threatening to the library staff or patrons, Hopkinson said he wasn’t sure if there was any threat. “I don’t think he had any free hands to make any threat,” the officer said.

Hey um Fredrick. Is that a butt cucmber you’ve got there? I only ask because that is honestly the defining line here between a regular library masturbation story and something far more concerning. Was it lunch? Was it just something you picked up before popping into the library? Were you going to give it to the girl sitting next to you so that she could suck on it while you jerked off? Those are all reasonable excuses. But if we were a few minutes away from you sitting on that cucumber then I’m going to have to ask you to never go into a library again. Some things are over the line. Touching your penis in a public library is bad but not egregious, touching your penis while you stick a vegetable in your ass is going wayyyy too far. Even Mike Cooper would agree, and he’s a legend of the library masturbating game.

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PS

How the fuck do you click around if you’re holding a cucumber in your hand? That’s the craziest part of this. You saying this guy just turns on a 30 minute video and watches from start to finish? Savage move.