An absolutely fascinating story is unfolding right down the street from me here in western North Carolina. This woman has become the first person in our entire state to be found guilty for not staying home during quarantine. What did she do, you ask? Sometimes the best way to understand the complexities of a historical event is through the art of cinema. And lucky for you, I wrote an entire screenplay based on this very event.
I took some creative liberties, but my main inspiration during the writing process was this very real passage from The Mountaineer newspaper:
“She then proceeded to pull the dress she was wearing up, exposing her body underneath and again started projectile defacating all over the office,” the report reads. “[The officer] backed up into the corner in the office to avoid the flying feces and called for backup. The female continued to hold her dress up and kept yelling and screaming at everyone around. After she put her dress down, she kept saying that she had the Coronavirus and wanted treatment.”
I'm currently shopping this script around Hollywood, so I can only give you a small excerpt. If you're a big time movie producer and like where this is heading, you know where to find me. I'm looking at you Chernin.
The Projectile Pooper
Screenplay by Caleb Pressley
Scene: A western North Carolina police officer is in the process of detaining a female shoplifter in the local Walmart. He has escorted her out of the DVD department to an office by the buggies. The officer is just about to go for his cuffs when the woman realizes her predicament and proceeds to pull her dress up, exposing her naked body.
Police Officer: Mam, please put your dress down.
The officer reaches for his walkie talkie.
I'm gonna need some backup. I have a shoplifting suspect and she is exposing herself and resisting arrest.
The woman, now on the other side of the room, makes a subtle, but familiar noise. The officer sees that her face turning a bright shade of red. Her eyes are closed, and her brow is furrowed. The vain in her neck begins to bulge. She is straining.
Police Officer: Mam... what are you doing??!
The officer talks back into his walkie talkie.
I NEED BACKUP NOW!!!!
The woman begins to groan loudly.
Woman: Here it coooommmmesss!!!
The woman begins to poop out of her anus.
Police Officer: Mam I need you to stop shitting RIGHT NOW!
Woman: AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! *fart noise* AHHHHHHH!!!!!
The Police Officer ducks behind a desk on the other side of the room. He peaks his head out to address the woman.
Police Officer: I'M GOING TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME MAM, CLOSE THAT HOLE!
A fully formed turd hits the white tile floor with a resounding thud. It is long, thick, and perfectly tapered on both ends. This is not this woman's first rodeo.
Woman: IS THIS WHAT CORONAVIRUS SMELLS LIKE OFFICER???
It's a rhetorical question. The woman is taunting him.
From behind the desk, the officer reaches for his taser. He peaks his head out to aim, and sees that the defecating is intensifying. The woman is now making gun noises with her mouth as she shoots smaller sized turds across the room.
Woman: Pew, pew, pew!!
The Police Officer has had enough. In a heroic leap, he emerges from behind the desk and shoots the woman directly in the stomach with his taser. He hit his mark, but the electric current only makes the pooping worse. The woman is now convulsing on her back as she blasts poop uncontrollably like a machine gun.
The police officer is now laying on the ground exposed with no cover. He is hit multiple times. His backup comes, but it is too late. They get blasted with feces as well. Everyone in the room is covered in poop. It smells really bad.
Anyway, that's just a bit from the script. I don't like to spoil endings, but since you've got this far and it is based on a true story, I'll tell you that the woman ends up being found guilty by a federal judge as the police officer—now wearing an eye patch—looks on in consternation. He knows his life will never be the same.