Bringing Your Own Pew To The Living Room For Quarantine Easter Mass Is HARDCORE

There are two types of religious lunatics locked down in Quarantine right now. On the one hand, you got the assholes who go to Sunday mass with 1,000 people in the congregation and and tell everyone they are safe from disease because they are “covered in the blood of Christ.” On the other hand, you got this old couple breaking out their own pew for Easter Sunday while they watch church on the TV. Both groups are absolutely BAT SHIT CRAZY. But these two ain’t hurting anybody else, so rock on with your pious ass selves!

BYOP is one of the most hardcore Christian moves I’ve ever fucking seen. Take the most heavy ashes you’ve ever seen on someone’s forehead and multiply it by a ZILLION, and then you’re about halfway to Bring Your Own Pew to Sunday mass in the living room. I hope they busted out some Poland Spring for the Holy Water, trimmed the corners off some Saltines for Communion, and popped a bottle of Yellow Tail Cabernet for some sacrament. Short of Frankie Borrelli in his basement watching Islanders games sitting in his fold-up stadium seats from the old Coliseum, I can’t think of a bigger super fan move than these 2 Gentiles doing homemade church. Do you think they turn to each other and shake hands for Peace? Dear God that would be fucking hilarious if they exchanged a single handshake for Peace. Do they give each other communion? Please, please tell me...for the love of GOD, please tell me they have the flip down pads to kneel??? It would absolutely bring the fucking house down if they did. I suppose that’s for the TRULY hardcore freaks because you’d need two rows of pews then. These two probably just kneel right on the goddam floor. Maybe even on some frozen peas just to feel some pain while the Lord is in the house. Probably finish up church, self flagellate the rest of the afternoon, and call it a day. 

But hey, like I said - if you ain’t getting anybody sick and you’re not out here prolonging quarantine for the rest of us, go right ahead with church in the living room. Turn your kids into altar servers, ring the bells, shake the incense, the whole kit and quarantine caboodle. It ain’t my business. I mean don’t get me wrong, I think you’re patently ridiculous, but that’s your call. That’s the beauty of BYOP - it’s not hurting anybody. Everyone can do their thing from the safety of their living room. You can worship, and I can judge. That’s kind of the system we’ve got here - I think you’re completely insane, and you surely think I’m going to burn in eternal damnation. We’ll find out soon enough if that pew was silly or not.