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In Honor of Skymall Filing For Bankruptcy, I Present The Definitive List Of Best Skymall Products

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Skymall. Everyone’s favorite guilty pleasure. I’ve said on numerous occasions the true definition of wealth is being able to comfortably afford everything in a Skymall magazine. Thats all I need. I dont need Lamborghinis and private jets and shit. Just give me everything cover to cover from Skymall and I’ll be a happy man. You’d have the most comfortable, functional, satisfying life ever. Never once would you be like “Do you know what I wish I had right now?” because you’d already have it. Skymall created products for literally every circumstance and every situation life could possibly throw at a human being. So without further adieu, I present to you the Skymall of Fame.

The Globe-Bar

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Nothing says elegance like a fancy globe in a study filled with leather-bound books. Problem is its not the year 1492 and a globe has very little use. Oh yea? Well how about you open that shit up and keep all your wine up in there? BOOM. Globe-Bar.

Skyrest Plane Sleeping Pillow

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If you havent been on a plane struggling to fall asleep and thought to yourself “I could really use that big blow up wedge pillow from Skymall” then you, sir, are a fucking liar. Perhaps the most useful Skymall invention of all.

Sleep upright neck brace thing

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This fucking guy with maybe the worst haircut of all time was in every Skymall magazine ever printed. And the beauty of these “sleep anywhere” products is that every time you’re reading Skymall, you’re on a fucking plane unable to sleep. Its like they’ve got a captive audience. They should sell those things on the plane. I would have probably bought 50 of these neckbrace things by now.

Posture corrector 

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You know how many times I’ve thought about buying this? I’d go back in forth in my head saying “Man I could really use that. Thing would straighten me right out.” and “Yea but it looks like a bra.”

Bunion Corrector

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Sometimes I wish I had bunions just so I could buy this and wear it.

Garden Zombie

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You know whats for pussies? Gardens. You know whats NOT for pussies? Gardens with zombies in em.

Gigantic oversized fold out chair

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Quick question would you rather cram your ass into a tiny fold out chair or have a gigantic one that makes you feel like you’re sitting atop a throne? Easy answer. (PS – Biggest wiffle ball strike zone ever)

$2,500 Big Foot Statue

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Again, these are simple questions to ask yourself – if you had your choice between a standard, average, lame backyard with just trees and rocks and shit, OR, a statue with all that stuff PLUS a yeti statue, what would you prefer? Pretty much everyone on earth, somewhere, deep down, is at least a little bit of a Big Foot enthusiast. Satisfy that inner self with this statue.

$10,000 Massage Chair

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Everyone has sat in one of these at Brookstone one or two thousand times in their life. And everyone has looked at this in Skymall and at least tried to work out the math on how much you could really afford to spend on a massage chair.

Aircast thing for your legs

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The best part about Skymall is that it turns you into a hypochondriac. All the sudden I’m thinking “You know what? Now that I think about it, I think I do have poor circulation in my legs.” Then I start saying things like “I bet Terrell Owens wears these things. And I can get it for like 99 bucks right here right now???”

Robot laser helmet that grows your hair back

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I’ve never been more positive in my life that a product works. There’s just no way a laser helmet doesnt actually grow your hair back.

The dual hot dog/hot dog bun toaster

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Tell me this isnt the move convenient appliance ever invented. Go ahead. Tell me. I dare you.

9,o00 foot duster

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For all of the people who have ceiling fans half a mile up in the sky that need dusting.

Metal credit card wallet

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There are two types of people in this world – people who have protected metal credit card wallets, and people who are getting their identity stolen by credit card frauds.

Outdoor Tiki Furniture

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For the totem pole enthusiast!

This Awesome Shirt

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The one of a kind shirt. Nobody else on the planet has the same custom shirt as you do. Unless of course someone just happens to pick out the same panels and designs. But at the worst we’re talking 2 of a kind shirt.

Collection of Lord of The Rings and Harry Potter Shit

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Rings and wands and shit. Do I need Legolas’ Elvish amulet? Probably not, no. But it would be pretty cool if I did.

Giraffe Toilet Paper Holder

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To be honest this has no business being in Skymall. This is just a quality piece of art. Deserves to be in Pottery Barn or Anthropology or something.

Box that laughs/claps when you open it

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Hey man you having a bad day? Down on yourself? Maybe you’ve just been dumped or dont have many friends? Dont worry bro if you open up this box its like you’ve got a room full of friends who think you’re the fucking best. Every joke is hilarious when you got a box that laughs.

Instant Badminton Court

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I have never actually seen this until today when I was searching for pictures of the other stuff to make this blog. But its obviously incredible. You wanna be one of the poor people out there who cant play badminton literally at a seconds notice whenever you want? You want to be a schmuck fumbling with the the net and shoving those stakes and anchors into the ground? Or would you rather be part of high society where you can pop a badminton net faster than you can pop a boner? Upgrading this one from “want” and filing it under “need”

And for the grand finale…the greatest Skymall product of all time…The Sumo Wrestler Table

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Magnificent. The word “masterpiece” comes to mind when you see this work of art. Being dead ass serious I want one of these in my house just because virtually every guest you ever, ever host will say “Holy shit you got the Skymall sumo table!” Thats like instant conversation starter. Instant street cred. Its like having a piece of the Aggrocrag on display in your house. The instant someone sees you have the Sumo Table you are completely legitimate in their eyes. Might have to scoop this bad before before its gone forever.