Happy Easter, you guys. I think we can all agree that the hands-down best part about the Easter holiday is that you get Good Friday off work (except this year, when Dave decided to institute the Barstool Draft on Good Friday). The second best part is the Easter dinner. Again, rough year for that, as mothers and grandmas across the country are stuck in quarantine, and my girlfriend sucks at cooking. But the third best part is all of the candy, and leftover candy, that comes along with the holiday. So……let's embrace debate.
Here are the Top Easter Candy Rankings:
1. Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs
If you don't have these at the top of your list then you belong in the loony pen. I don't care if it's Eggs, Cups, Pieces, or the Minis, Reese's is in the top tier of candy by itself. Easter is just another holiday for them to show off.
2. Milk Chocolate Bunnies
Let me be clear: we're talking the SOLID ones. You can find those cheap-ass, hollow ones somewhere in the 50s on this list. They collapse on the first bite. But a nice, high-quality, solid chocolate bunny can literally last you days. Just eating the ear is plenty of chocolate for me. Boom, wrap that baby back up….maybe even put it in the freezer? You just need to find the right type of milk chocolate and these are pretty tough to beat.
3. Foil Wrapped Chocolate Eggs
This is an all encompassing foil wrapped egg selection, folks. I'm talking Hersheys, Butterfingers, Snickers, Reeses, Crunch Bar, whatever. If you take a mini egg and wrap it in foil, this applies to you. This is without question the most diverse of the Easter candies, and the only reason it doesn't fight for that #1 spot is because they're kind of a bitch to open. You better have nails to get the foil completely off of these.
4. Starburst Jellybeans
I'm going to be honest with you guys and let you know that I'm not really a candy-candy type of person. I'm a chocolate guy. Miss me with Skittles, Sour Patch, and all that kind of stuff. But I do respect that other people have different tastes, and they tell me that these are really, really good. Some people I polled for this had them at #1, so they absolutely deserve this ranking. I'll say this: if I have to eat Jellybeans, I'm without a doubt going with the Starburst.
5. Easter M&Ms
I know this sounds like cheating because Easter M&Ms are literally just M&Ms that are pastel colored. And your point…..? M&Ms are good. I like the Halloween ones. I like the St. Patty's Day ones. I like the Valentines Day ones. I know they're all the same, and they're all good.
6. Cadbury Caramel Eggs
Please note the word Caramel. That's right. We're not putting the Creme ones up here…..those are so-so. If you want to crack this list you need to come with a little more than that. And the caramel eggs bring that not too sweet / not too sticky filling that oozes out to perfection.
7. Sweetarts Chicks, Ducks, and Bunnies
Again, not a huge sweet and sour candy guy, but those that are sent this to me with a very high recommendation. The thing that I really like about these is how cute the chicks, ducks, and bunnies are. I actually respect this more than the M&Ms that simply change the color of their product with each holiday. These are just the same old Sweetarts, but they shape them into festive baby animals. Tip of the cap to the effort here.
Okay this is where my TOP Easter Candy Rankings ends. Now it's time to get into the worst of the worst. I'm not talking chocolate covered marshmellows or bubble gum eggs……those are mediocre at best. I'm talking about the shit that is BAD.
422. Robin Eggs
There might be a little controversy here in the rankings with this selction, but people with advanced pallets know that these are disgusting. Whoppers are already the last candy you would pick in a Halloween draft, and even though they make them into eggs (not even appealing ones) for the holiday does not change that fact. Cute concept, but terrible taste. Like, even the fresh ones taste stale. That's not a good quality to have in the food industry.
544. Harry Potter Jellybeans
Like I said earlier, I personally am not a Jellybean fan. I get that some people are, and as I mentioned, you gotta go with the Starbust in that situation. Everyone has different taste buds. But absolutely no one's taste buds fancy these gross-ass, soap tasting beans that are literally made to taste terrible. I get the premise, and I don't hate it. It's fun for Harry Potter fans or people looking to take a fun, little risk of whether they'll get a blueberry or a booger flavored ones. But there is an overly disproportionate amount of earwax and vomit flavors for me to even entertain these anymore. Black pepper? Soap? Rotten egg? Gross.
Peeps suck. Honestly disgusting. If you read this list furiously thinking "Where's the peeps, Tate?" then you should be arrested and sentenced to life without parole. You know how sometimes you'll take a drink of something sweet and say "Oh this is really good! But I couldn't have more than one or two". That's not the case with Peeps. One bite of that marshmellow bullshit is too many. They might not just be the worst Easter candy, but they might be the worst food item in the history of the world.