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All The Important Stuff Wiggins/Parker/Randle Missed Because They Were Born In 1995

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When I was like 22 it felt weird that there were new college freshman studs who were younger than me. I remember thinking it was such a mindfuck that I was looking up to these kids who were gonna go on to monster NBA careers even though they were younger than I was. Now that I’m pushing 30 and I suck at everything except smut, it doesn’t surprise me at all anymore that people who are younger than me are awesome. But with this trio, it swings back the other way. These kids were born in fucking 1995. 1995. The amount of shit these guys missed is staggering. From all the shit pre-1995 to everything until the year 2000 when you can start to have memories. Basically missed all of the 90s. Whole decade of glory down the drain for these fuckers. Here’s some of the shit they missed:

The Mighty Ducks

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The Mighty Ducks had been out for 3 goddam years before these guys were born. There was enough time to green light and create a sequel and they still weren’t alive.

Michael Jordan’s Entire Prime

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Up until now every basketball great from this latest era idolized Michael Jordan. They all wore number 23. They all wanted to be like Mike. The only MJ these guys might remember is his days with the Wizards from like 2001-2003. They don’t remember the 3 peats, the 72-10, the retirements. They just don’t really know MJ.

East Coast West Coast Rap Rivalry



These little sons of bitches missed the whole thing. Missed 2pac, missed Biggie. No Death Row. No Bad Boy. As far as they are concerned, rap music is just Lil Wayne and 2 Chainz. If you missed Death Row Records on stage at the Source Awards, you missed all of rap music.

“Ice Cube? You mean the actor?”

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Straight outta Back to the Future. Ronald Reagan!? The actor?!

OJ Murder Case

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People my age didnt remember OJ as a football player. They know him as a murderer. These kids just don’t know him at all.

Rock and Jock Basketball…MTV…Music Videos altogether

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At first I thought it was terrible that these guys never watched Bill Bellamy and Dan Cortese and Flea from the Chili Peppers and the 50 point Peach Basket and all that shit. Then I realized they basically missed MTV all together. They almost missed music videos in general. They just know that stupid Vevo shit on youtube.

No clue who Zack Morris is

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Not only too young for Saved by the Bell, but also Boy Meets World. But, they are black guys so I’m not even sure they  would have watched those. I should probably be like “they never saw an episode of Martin OR the Wayans Brothers!”

Probably never seen an episode of Baywatch

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These guys are all gonna fuck so so so many white women in their future. But they probably have no clue who or what Pamela Anderson is.

Bill Clinton Banging Chicks

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Completely missed Super Nintendo and N64



I can vividly remember playing the Banshee Boardwalk on Mario Kart 64 listening to Notorious Thugs off of Life After Death. If you said that sentence to them they would understand roughly 0% of it.

Probably have never seen Billy Madison, Happy Gilmore or Dumb And Dumber…potentially have no idea who Chris Farley is

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Adam Sandler is nothing more than that idiot who keeps doing Grown Ups and dresses like a woman in his movies. Not really exaggerating – Jim Carrey hasn’t done a good movie that they’d really remember. If you show them a picture of Chris Farley they might not know who he is. Again, this might be a white/black thing. They might not have known him or enjoyed these movies anyway.

Miley Cyrus Is Older Than Them, The Olsen Twins are probably like cougars.

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The Olsens were already like billionaires by the time they were born.

The list goes on and on. The baseball strike, the home run chase, the Yankees dynasty, the OK City bombing. Never seen a VCR. Probably never even listened to music on CDs. No idea what AOL is. Like I said, the entire decade of the 90s. Aside from the fact that you aren’t a member of one of the most highly anticipated basketball trios in sports history, you still have absolutely nothing in common with Andrew Wiggins, Jabari Parker or Julius Randle.

And this concludes today’s “You’re old and not successful” lesson! Have fun rotting in the cube the rest of the day!