So last night a Stoolie called in and asked me if I were ever to go on Jeopardy, what would my little anecdote after the first commercial break. Now to fill you in, I think listening to the dorks on Jeopardy tell their most interesting life story is the most cringe worthy experience on the planet earth. They are the most socially awkward nerds of all time. They always tell some story about how they climbed a mountain or went on a road trip. One time this dude told Alex all about how he had a bed wetting problem until well into his teenage years. Like dude went on the most popular game show of all time, had a 30 second window to tell his best story he could possibly come up with, and he told all of America about how he pissed the bed when he was like 18.
Well last night this question was posed to me and I had absolutely nothin. Could not think of one funny, interesting quick tidbit about myself. As a matter of fact the first thing that popped into my mind was when I sharted at the bar. I had run into an ex-girlfriend and we ended up hanging out all night and I knew I could seal the deal and get her back into bed and I basically shit my pants at the urinal at the bar. Ended up throwing my boxers in the garbage, and continuing the night. I got her back to my place and when she went to the bathroom I quickly put on another pair of boxers so that when I took my pants off when hooking up it didn’t seem weird that I had no underwear on. That was the first best story that came to mind. Makes the bed wetter guy seem like a fucking rockstar.
I mean don’t get me wrong, I could tell a million Barstool anecdotes that are pretty awesome. PJs to the Super Bowl and helicopters to Montauk. Big Papi told me to take the bat out of my ass and Todd McShay coined terms describing my Combine. But all of that is Barstool related. Trying to come up with one story to tell Alex Trebek not Barstool related was way harder than it should have been.
PS – I think I’d go with the time I was working at WFUV and asked Mike Piazza to compare Art Howe and Willie Randolph and he shit all over me because he didn’t like the question and embarrassed me in front of a room full of reporters. People seem to enjoy that. But if I won and went any longer than 1 appearance I’d go back to the shitting my pants with the ex-gf story.