It’s not what you think. It’s not some dark, terrifying discovery of a new porn favorite or something that will land me in hell.
My fetish is simple: I enjoy not doing things I’m supposed to be doing. That’s how I get off.
I’ve barely been up for an hour and I’m bored out of my skull. Before quarantine I’m not sure if I’d ever been bored in my life. Sure, I’ve spent days doing absolutely nothing but if you’d asked me what I was up to those days I never would have told you that I was “bored.” I’d have said “chilling on the couch” and I would have been incredibly happy to be doing it.
Because then, whilst chilling on the couch, I would have not been doing things. I wouldn’t have been at a museum, or in a park, or at the gym, or grocery shopping, or seeing friends, or any of the dozens of other things there’s gotta be that you can do outside of your house. That’s what I’ve learned I truly love. I don’t love doing nothing, I love NOT doing other things. There’s a distinct difference there.
I’m not loving mindlessly watching Netflix right now because while I’m doing it, I’m not avoiding something else. I’m not enjoying scrolling Twitter because it’s not a tool of procrastination. Looking at memes on reddit until 3 AM used to be a blast but now I don’t have to get up for anything so who gives a fuck about staying up until 3 AM, there’s nothing bad boy about it anymore. There’s no silent protest you’re giving to society by staying up past The Man’s bedtime. Oh you stay up late? Cool, dude. Nothing matters. No one cares.
You know what thought just went through my mind? “Maybe I’ll go for a bike ride today.” A bike ride! I even thought, “should wear a helmet, though.” I FANTASIZED ABOUT MYSELF RIDING A BICYCLE AND WEARING A HELMET ON A SATURDAY AFTERNOON!
And you know why that is? Because it’s what I’m not supposed to be doing. Everyone is staying inside, eating bad foods, and watching TV because that’s what society decided we were doing and I’m spending quarantine exercising, eating healthy, and I’ve even read a few books.
Because I enjoy doing things I’m not supposed to be doing. That’s how I get off.
I need help.