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"23 Signs You've Lived In New York City Too Long"

1. When you leave the city and a cashier smiles at you and asks how your day was, you’re like “Excuse me?”

2. Dinner = hitting up your slice place at 1 a.m.

3. Nothing fills you with more rage than getting on a crowded subway car and suddenly hearing, “It’s showtime!”

4. You have the same conversation with the same friends at the same bar every night.

5. $12 cocktails and $20 yoga classes seem normal now.

6. In the summer, you consider the wind from an approaching subway car to be “a nice breeze.”

7. You’ve considered moving into your office to save on rent since you spend so much time there anyway.

8. You’ve gone from not leaving Brooklyn on the weekends, to not leaving your actual neighborhood on the weekends.

9. Savings account? HAHA, good one.

10. You’ve Seamlessed lunch and dinner in the same day and not given a shit.

11. You life is like Gossip Girl, except everyone is old and poor

12. You’ve flipped off a tourist bus.

13. You wear earbuds while grocery shopping.

14. You’ve become immune to the hot garbage smell.

15. You can swipe your Metrocard without breaking stride.

16. You go to the bodega in your pajamas.

17. When you visit the suburbs and try to sleep at night, the silence scares you.

18. You’ve forgotten how to drive a car.

19. You’ve stopped going out on Friday nights and started going out on Tuesday nights.

20. You walk faster than most people run.

21. You’ve either gotten really into cooking, or totally given up on cooking.

22. You get outraged when a Duane Reade isn’t open 24 hours.

23. You relish getting out of the city any chance you get.

You know the drill with these stupid fucking lists. After the jump we’ll break down each one, KFC style. This one should particularly be fun because its from Buzzfeed and nobody churns out meaningless bullshit the way Buzzfeed does. But before we dive in though, I gotta point out how awful this particular angle is. “23 signs you’ve lived in New York for too long,” as told by some 20-something who’s probably lived here for like 5 years. Like they think they’re Woody fuckin Allen or something. Lived a lifetime here and can point out all the intricacies of a lifetime in Manhattan. I don’t even know what the real list of signs you’ve lived here too long would be. You remember using tokens for the subway? You were around when squeegee men used to rule the streets? You remember the Son of Sam murders? You watched the Yankees before Steinbrenner owned them? I don’t fuckin know. All I know is this list of yuppie shit ain’t it.

1. When you leave the city and a cashier smiles at you and asks how your day was, you’re like “Excuse me?” – Oh I get it! Because people in New York are traditionally rude! Its shocking if someone is nice to you! Listen I used to live above a bodega owned by a fat Hispanic cashier that we nicknamed Maradona. He was the nicest little Latino I ever met. Every time I stepped up to his counter he was polite to me. Just because service is fast in New York and slow out in the burbs doesnt mean everyone is an asshole.

2. Dinner = hitting up your slice place at 1 a.m. – You “slice place?” What the fuck is a slice place? And no, getting pizza at 1am when you’re shitfaced is just drunk food. Also I know it might be hard to believe but there are people from other places that will go straight to the bar and miss dinner too. We didn’t invent “missing dinner.”

3. Nothing fills you with more rage than getting on a crowded subway car and suddenly hearing, “It’s showtime!” – Listen you can be fucking visiting New York for the afternoon and if acrobatic black kids almost kicking you in the face doesn’t bother you, you’re an asshole. Doesn’t matter where you’re from, kids trying to breakdance in about 5 square feet of space surrounded by dozens of people should fill you with rage.

4. You have the same conversation with the same friends at the same bar every night. – This is just so “New York” you guys. Going to places you like frequently and talking about work and friends and sports and TV since thats all we really have to discuss. Its just like Friends at the Coffee Shop!

5. $12 cocktails and $20 yoga classes seem normal now. – 12 dollar cocktails will always fucking suck. No matter where I go or how much money I ever make, I will always remember college days of dollar beers and 4 dollar drinks and 7 dollar pitchers and I will always know its a rip off

6. In the summer, you consider the wind from an approaching subway car to be “a nice breeze.” – If you stay in Manhattan for the summer, you’re a psychopath. Sidenote its not a “nice breeze” its just a sign that your prayers have been answered and you’re going to get on an air conditioned train. Same thing goes for when you can see the headlights reflecting off the tracks and lighting up the wall as your train comes around the bend into the station.

7. You’ve considered moving into your office to save on rent since you spend so much time there anyway. – And here it is, folks! Ding ding ding! We have our winner! There’s always one item on these lists that are complete bullshit and invalidate the whole thing. Nobody in the history of the world, NYC or otherwise, has considered this. This is just a pathetic attempt to be like “In New York we work such long hours and rent is so high! Its like the Devil Wears Prada but real life!” Now I have to go through 16 more stupid items on this list after #7 proved how much of an asshole you are.

8. You’ve gone from not leaving Brooklyn on the weekends, to not leaving your actual neighborhood on the weekends. – I don’t leave the Upper East Side. People from the Village don’t leave the Village. People on the Upper West don’t leave the Upper West. Because there’s no reason. Doesn’t matter how long you’ve lived in this city, theres no point to trek around on the subway with homeless people if its just to go to bars and restaurants that are exactly the same as the ones you have down the block.

9. Savings account? HAHA, good one. – Uhhh, you’re just poor babe. I never understood this. Yes, cost of living is higher. But jobs pay more money here. It should all even out. I guess if you’re one of those assholes working a $35,000 a year PR job to live a $100,000 lifestyle, then yea, you don’t have a savings account. But that doesn’t make you a seasoned vet of NYC. It makes you an idiot.

10. You’ve Seamlessed lunch and dinner in the same day and not given a shit. – This one I actually have to question. Because the other day I tweeted about delivery men who don’t bring a pen to the door to sign the receipt and I got flooded with weird responses about how I shouldn’t order pizza so often and I should always have cash. I order every single meal I eat off Seamless web and pay with a credit card. Is that a NYC thing? If it is, so be it. But she’s right, I dont give a shit.

11. You life is like Gossip Girl, except everyone is old and poor – Lets get one thing straight: Your life is nothing like Sex And The City or Gossip Girl. Absolutely nothing. End of story.

12. You’ve flipped off a tourist bus. – Nope. Nobody does this.

13. You wear earbuds while grocery shopping. – What? I order food off Seamless whats a grocery store? Thats probably gonna be on your next list. 20 things you dont know exist in NYC – #6 – Grocery Stores!

14. You’ve become immune to the hot garbage smell. – If you haven’t read my NYC Scratch And Sniff Masterpiece, you should. No matter how many years I live here, I will still gag at some of the smells of New York City. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar.

15. You can swipe your Metrocard without breaking stride. – Anyone who’s taken the subway long enough knows no matter how perfectly you swipe, sometimes you get the “Please swipe again.” And theres nothing better than watching someone whos trying to swipe “without breaking stride” smash their dick or their pussy right into a locked turnstile.

I’m done. I can’t take it any more. I tap out. List is literally too stupid to make fun. I’ll just comment on one more and thats: 19. You’ve stopped going out on Friday nights and started going out on Tuesday nights. Thats just called getting old, babe. My ideal Friday night now is a few bottles of wine and a ballgame or some TV on Netflix before passing out in sweatpants. Thats probably because I’m such a diehard New Yorker!!!!