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Did You Know You Had An Anal Print?

The old adage goes like this. Opinions are like assholes... everybody has one. The difference between the two though, is that scientists are finding that unlike opinions, assholes are as unique as snowflakes or fingerprints. No two are the same. 


Why in the world would scientists be interested in what our proverbial starfishes look like other than the fact they are kinky bastards? Well, researchers at Stanford are developing what they're calling the "smart toilet"; a device that monitors your health by analyzing your stool, urine, and the timing of both, using four cameras and an array of sensors and identification systems. 

According to an article in Vice

For pee analysis, there are two high-speed cameras watching the flow rate, and a stack of urinalysis strips are loaded into the back of the seat. A passive infrared motion sensor detects when you start peeing, and slides out a strip.

For poop analysis, a pressure sensor activates a video camera that captures images of the toilet bowl, from clean, to shat, to covered in toilet paper. These images are fed to a convolutional neural network (an AI algorithm), which determines the time from when the first kid is dropped off at the pool to the last, "which is significantly correlated with overall bowel function," they write. Each frame of the bowl is time-stamped for accuracy.

Given that little toddler, Tommy is going to have a very different stool profile than his mom or dad, its imperative that the device can accurately identify whose poop is whose. Hence, the analprint.

Listen. This may be one of the greatest inventions in modern history. I don't want this. I NEED this device in my life. We can't all be our beloved Kate, who once famously declared on national satellite radio that she could, indeed, identify her asshole in a lineup by "the spokes." 

Fuck a Nespresso Machine or a Peloton. Once we get out of quarantine, I will need new parlor tricks that no one has, to get my guests to think I'm living my best life. Also, I must keep up my "try hard" persona. This baby accomplishes both of these goals. Nothing telegraphs that I desperately want other people to like me quite like showing off my new "smart toilet" two seconds after they walk in the door. 

There's only one drawback, and that is the fact authorities will, without doubt, create an international database of analprints. Imagine getting fingered on a B&E because you stopped to drop a deuce at a McDonald's along the way? That's going to go over well in the Yard.