There are two things hot in the Internet streets right now - #TheUnboxing and Dave. Sure, they might go hand in hand, but Dave is heated at some employees here and looking for a reason to bring them to his apartment and clean up the millions (*Rock voice AND MILLIONS) of boxes. People are captivated by watching Dave unbox gift after gift like parents on Christmas morning when their kids open the N64.
We also know that Dave isn't afraid to engage with different sort of warfare - let me introduce you do the memeGod VinDog. Dave will attack you with words when you're least expecting it and just destroy your soul. So with that in mind as I've been sitting at my house churning out blogs, I started thinking. What weapon would I least want Dave to be in possession with when he's pissed at me. Let's get into it.
8. Any of the box cutters
Honestly, a 50/50 shot he cuts himself as he cuts you here. Feel like you can survive the box cutter attack simply by allowing Dave to make a mistake. The clear best option you have if Dave is attacking you with an #Unboxing weapon. Not saying you're safe here by any means, but if you have the option to pick Dave's weapon, you're picking this.
7. The fucking ax
Now we start to really get into the weapons. The ax is dangerous but it's a side order. Dave even admits it in his tweet. This is something you pair with the sword. This isn't the first attack. This is one that he uses to finish the job. He doesn't want a head on the sword so he uses the ax. But again, this is a 1 weapon attack we're talking about here. This is what I imagine he uses on someone who boondoggles, gets a little bit of content out but not enough. This is the slap on the wrist type weapon.
6. The medieval weaponry that will kill the next of kin
This is where we take yet another step. This is the weapon I imagine he uses if you get a lawsuit for using an illegal picture for the 100th time. But then again that's just Ethan who does that and he forgets to blog, so we all may be safe here. But when you start talking about a weapon that can take out next of kin, that's something you don't want to deal with.
5. Two words. Samurai sword
Three words. No thank you. The one thing I've learned during the #Unboxing is there are far too many samurai swords in the world. Should be more blimps than samurai swords and the only people that should have samurai swords are Samurai fighters. Just my two cents. This is the equivelant of when you get a Deke Zucker tweet when Dave is on radio. You know it's going to be bad. You just hope it's a quick passing line and then someone else does something stupid.
4. The not kill someone but will let you know you hate them weapon
Honestly this is where I'm the most terrified. This is Dave's favorite move. He doesn't want to cut your head off in one blow, he wants to bleed you out (with his words of course). This is what I imagine he'd use on people who cross him or strike first. He wants to feel the pain. If you tell me this is something that just lets me know Dave hates me, I'd ask my dad to accidentally bump into him at a Celtics game and thank him. I hear that works in scenarios. This starts the truly terrifying part of the weaponry.
3. The Samurai Sword that he can feel in his hands
Fuck, I don't know if it's combined with the Florida jersey but this gives true Florida man vibes. When he's shredding boxes with the thing using hands quicker than Delino DeShields you're fucked. This is when you get called into radio in person or on the Rundown because you thought answering Dave's question about a certain Duke/Kentucky game was smart. It's not. Don't trust a man wearing a Florida jersey holding a samurai sword. They will attack.
2. A tweet
The message that starts it all. The moment you get a notification involving @stoolpresidente just throw your phone away. It's never good. Well, the pro is you do gain some followers, so get that clout, but it's never good. A tweet from Dave lets you know that you're on his radar and not for Team Portnoy. Not a great place to be. It typically lights a fire under your ass, but you now have Dave monitoring what you're doing.
1. A text message
This is the most terrifying thing in the world. When it goes off of Twitter to a text message he's actually pissed and there's nothing you can do here. Fuck all the weapons, Dave is still a fighter with his words. This is where he can do his most damage. You're not going to win a fight with words against Dave. It's pointless to try. At least with the real weapons there's a chance he misses and hurts himself. Shivers down the spine thinking of seeing a text from Dave.