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Hey Dave, I Volunteer To Enter The Barstool Draft

Hey Dave, if you're reading this, I would like to volunteer to help you clean your apartment. I'm getting very tired of living with my 25 year-old alcoholic, gambling, pothead roommate who blasts porn at night. I also want to get some lifts in, so I can help you with any boxes (preferably 30 pounds or under). I'm pretty sure I'm immune to Corona, just look at me.

As long as I can get some water breaks here and there, I should be able to function. Anyways, I'm here to help. I'm going to knockout a few push ups and call my mom to let her know everything is going to be ok. You can text or email me whenever.

-Mantis