I’m Not Sure I’ve Ever Been More Disrespected By Anybody In My Life Than By My New Hoop Coach




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From “The Tournament” Webpage – Does it matter that Team Barstool has two guys on it who can barely dunk on an 8 foot rim when it has NBA talent like Ryan Gomes, Dahntay Jones, Josh Boone, Matt Walsh, Andre Barrett, and Shavlik Randolph, and all-around stud (and current Spartak Russia point guard) Donnie McGrath? Probably not. But imagine they do find themselves in a close game. Imagine a couple guys find themselves in foul trouble. Who gets the call? Dan “Big Cat” Katz and David “El Pres” Portnoy fill up the last two player slots. Maybe Coach Ross Burns turns to both. Or maybe just Big Cat. Or maybe neither. Just what happens when they get out there is the question.

Reader Email We Got Today From Coach

Hey fellas – We have a great opportunity in front of us as we will most likely finish 1 or 2 in voting and we have the strongest roster in the field. That being said we have about 1 month to prepare for the tournament.

One of the biggest challenges we’ll face is our lack of experience as a team. We’re also extremely thin with only 8 players on roster. We need everyone to come in-shape and ready to play big minutes. We’ll have weekly runs, practices, workouts and scrimmages. We need to know you’re schedule so get this back to me ASAP.


8 Man roster? What?  Pretty sure we have a 10 man roster.  And good to know our coach has already filled out the starting lineup. I mean what’s the point of these practices I can’t earn my minutes fair and square. I didn’t know the rotation was already set.

Seriously great job coaching up the end of the bench coach. Real motivational speaker we got leading this squad. Bottomline is at some point during this tournament we’re going to get in foul trouble and we’re gonna need me to give us quality minutes and that’s exactly what I plan on doing. I’ll go bang in the paint like you read about. Ask Tony Schefler what happened when I put a body on his ass? Basically had to retire from the NFL. My problem is stamina. But put me in for 1 minute bursts and I’m gonna do things people didn’t even know existed on a basketball court. I’m no weak link. I’m a strong link. You build empires on my links.


PS – How many timeouts do we get?


Double PS – There is no way we shouldn’t be the #1 fan team in this league.   As a reminder this is a 500K winner take all basketball tournament in Philly.   Our boy Matt Walsh who is a huge Stoolie invited me and Big Cat to play like 5 months ago.   I’m taking all our winnings and throwing the biggest party possible.   Oh and that was before a supermodel tweeted at me last night saying her and Candice couldn’t wait for the party.    If you haven’t signed up to support us please do.   It takes 1 minute.


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