EL OH EL: The Surgeon General Just Told People To Avoid Alcohol, Tobacco, And Drugs During Quarantine

No offense Mr. General (or Mr. Surgeon, if that's what you go by). But asking an entire nation sentenced to sitting in their house with nothing but their own thoughts to stop drinking, smoking, and/or straight west coasting with nothing else in their lives but daily bad news is simply not going to happen. You can't just take away three of the pillars of our lives holding our sanity up in the middle of a pandemic. What's next? Asking the country to stop using the internet or masturbating? Get a grip, Jerome.

I know this may shock people since I am a #bro Barstool blogger, but I usually don't partake in getting lost in the sauce unless I am partying because I'd rather get blind drunk or be 20/20 sober. No half measures for me. However, after being locked in the Thunderdome with my kids for the foreseeable future has me responsibly slugging back multiple spiked seltzers and domestic light beers on a daily basis just to get the closest hint of an escape. So if you wanna take my booze during this indefinite house arrest, you better shut down the alcohol companies and then remove all the materials necessary to make homemade booze from the grocery store because I will pivot careers from blogger to bootlegger faster than you can say swill and come out of this craziness with my family emerging as the modern day Kennedys because chaos is a ladder.

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But seriously though, check on your mother and make sure she's alright. If she's not answering her phone, just tweet at me and I'll let you know how she's doing.