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It’s Been A Whole Month And My Lazy Daughter STILL Doesn’t Have A Job

Growing up my father had me working as early as I can remember. There were no handouts in the Mick residence and, while it sucked in the moment, it certainly has paid dividends throughout my adult life. So I’m trying to instill that very same work ethic into my own daughter. I’d be failing him and her if I didn’t try to set her up for the long haul. But to be honest with you, I’m not off to a successful start. This kid just doesn’t seem to get *it*. It’s been a smidge over a month and this freeloader hasn’t as much as secured an interview let alone cashed a paycheck. Here are some of the excuses this lazy bum has lobbed my way every time I’ve asked how the job hunt is going:

“It’s a literal international pandemic absolutely no one is hiring”

As the great pontificator Cam’ron Giles once opined, “You can’t get paid in an Earth this big? You worthless, kid.” Sure unemployment is skyrocketing while the economy collapses around us all. Big whoop. Mid still selling, figure it out, junior. 

*a long, grunt-laden stare while filling her diaper with turds*

This is her go-to excuse and frankly I find it completely disrespectful. In my own home this is how she treats me. Unreal. Doesn’t even break eye contact. This lack of respect of authority isn’t gonna fly in the corporate world.

“Women don’t get paid as much as men due to the wage gap so it would actually be more beneficial for our family’s finances if you got a second job”

I sent her to her room with no supper for this one. No more Oprah for her  

Hopefully soon something clicks because I don’t know how else this story ends other than her taking up housing in a van down by the river. It’s my fault, really. I’ve been coddling her too much how could she learn the harsh realities of this planet with me running to her aid every time she starts crying? Well that ends today. Hungry? You know where the fridge is. Gotta use the bathroom? We have indoor plumbing, bucko, figure it out. This type of tough love will make her a better person in the long run and she’ll thank me when she realizes how much sweeter the fruits of your own labor taste. Baby elephants don’t have time to get their tushes’ wiped by Mama and Papa Phant. There’s lions out there! Ready to take them down if they get caught slacking, using their tusks as toothpicks and laughing it up with hyenas celebrating your untimely demise. These are the types of lessons she better learn before it’s too late. Hopefully I can show her the light sooner than later.