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Handshakes Are History, Here Is The History Of Handshakes

Tough news here for all humans on planet Earth. Coronavirus might kill the handshake and create a species of germaphobes. Which means...we can't size someone up instantly. We can't dismiss dudes permanently for having a dead fish handshake. We can't know if someone is a creep for holding on to a handshake for a second too long. We can't know who is a complete hardo for trying to crush your hand either. A handshake tells you 95% of what you need to know about a person. It's a barrier to entry for a future conversation. If you have a shitty handshake I probably won't be your friend or trust you to do business with. That sucks. Now we are going to have to take people at their word. There's never been a better time to be a beta. 

We have been shaking hands, as a species, for AT LEAST 2500 years. Probably longer, but the oldest piece of art where people are shaking hands dates back to 500 BC in Ancient Greece. Back then, people were savages. Ruthless murders, the lot of us. If you walked up on a stranger going down the street there was a real solid chance that they would just gank you and keep on walking. Those were the realities of the day. 

You: "Hey how ya doing?"


The Romans loved stabbing people so much with daggers hidden in their sleeves that handshakes in Ancient Rome were actually more like forearm shakes. You'd essentially be doing an mutual pat down as a greeting to assess whether or not that person you were having a converstation with actually was planning on stabbing your ass. 

The handshake is meant to signify that you have an open hand, free of a weapon and demostration of peace. Dr Fauci wants to get rid of all that. This virus is dangerous and dealy and serious, obviously. But so are people walking around with fucking shivs up their sleeves ready to stab you, rob you, and take your women. I wonder if Fauci has considered what it would mean to return to a time without handshakes. Not so simple. Just get us the vaccine so we can go back to shaking hands and knowing that we won't be stabbed. 


The reason we cheers and clink glasses has a similar story. In the old days it was very common to invite your enemies over and just poison their asses dead at dinner by slipping something in their drink. If a host wanted to show that the drink he offered to his guest wasn't poisoned he would pour part of the guest's wine into his glass and drink it first. All clear, no poison... If the guest trusted the host he would just clink glasses when the host offered his glass for a sample. Hence the clinking of glasses has become a sign of trust, honesty and toast to good health. As if to say...I am fairly certain you're not trying to kill me. Let's proceed with the alcohol.