An Ode To Latte Larry's (Along With The Top 3 Fictional Cups Of Coffee Ever)

Clem6/09/2020 7:24 PM

Blogger's Note: I started writing this blog back in March when Curb ended but then a little thing called COVID-19 hit and completely distracted me from paying homage to maybe my favorite fictional store ever. However, the lack of content due to the aforemtioned bitchboy named COVID has since given me time to blog about a slice of heaven on Earth

I feel like this season of Curb wasn't the best, wasn't the worst, but most certainly had its moments. Freddy Funkhouser was a lovely addition to the cast and we got some social commentary delivered in a way that only Larry David could do it.

But the star of the show was clearly Latte Larry's because it was as close to heaven as a coffee store has ever gotten. Cups of joe at the perfect temperature, scones that remained unapologetically true to their beautifully dry roots (I'm #TeamDryScones for life), no worries of having to hear someone blow the bathroom up with shit as you drank a natural diuretic, tables without an ounce of wobble, and of course beans with a flavor that matched Helen Of Troy's beauty. Latte Larry's was even ready for a fucking global pandemic with bottles of sanitizer at every table.

However as much as I hated it I knew Double L's, which is what the cool Cali kids probably called it, was going to fall like everything Larry loves in typical Curb fashion. I thought maybe a man's penis would lose its head Ned Stark style at the guillotine urinals or the coffee warmers would short circuit and blow up. Instead it was a combination of the two with Joey Funkhouser's newfound humongous howitzer causing a 5 alarm blaze. To make matters worse, opening a spite store in THIS economy is now flat out reckless.

So goodbye Latte Larry's. We have never seen a store take as many long shots then hit them like Steph Curry when he turned Vine into the biggest app in the country and we will likely never see one like it again, mostly because it was purely fictional.

I will now end the blog with a haiku to our fallen nirvana:

Heaven's Coffee Shop

Water, heat, time, spite

Beans with more magic than Jack's

Fuck you Mocha Joe

Giphy Images.

Now play us out Wiz Khalifa

BONUS: Top 3 Fictional Cups Of Coffee:

3. Jimmy's Coffee From Pulp Fiction

Any cup o' Joe that can knock the socks off of two bad mamma jammas like Winson Wolf and Jules has to be legit because I don't imagine those guys are giving out compliments unless they are #earned.

2. Latte Larry's Coffee

Those two gentlemen from Pulp Fiction may have tough palates. But with all due respect to both of them, neither are in the same league or even the same fucking sport as Larry David's critical palate. If those coffee beans were good enough for Larry to sell in his store fueled by pure hatred for the snake fuck Mocha Joe, they must have been literally the best beans Larry has ever tasted and I guarantee he has tasted a ton.

1. Gale's Coffee From Breaking Bad

You can buy the finest gourmet coffee from the grocery store or stumble upon the best beans on the planet during a trip to Mexico. But having a brilliant scientist that can make almost flawless meth create the most delicious cup of coffee using a little thing called science trumps anything Mother Nature can come up with 1000 times out of 1000 (Source: All the delicious foods of our childhood created by food scientists).