I’ve worked at this company for almost 2 months now. It’s quite obvious to most that I am the lowest on the totem pole, and have no real pull when it comes to anything. If you need something done, you’d typically think to ask the higher ups (Dave, Big Cat, Mantis, or KMarko).
Yet still, I’ll get the occasional Instagram DM asking for me to post a video of them chugging moderately fast in a basketball jersey to the Barstool Instagram. I’m usually tickled at the idea of somebody thinking I, one half of the fictional podcast/trivia show/eating competition named after a butthole, would ever be given the responsibility to control one of the main accounts with almost 8 million followers. I’d be the first to tell you it’s an awful idea.
Typically I pay these messages no mind, but these are strange times we are in, and free entertainment is few and far between. So when I received a message earlier this week along with a video of a college aged woman holding her friends hair back whilst vomiting, I thought to myself “Okay, let’s have some fun for a minute or 2”, not knowing of what was to come…
The Initial Request
Other than the mind-boggling pluralization, this is a pretty run of the mill DM. Straight to the point.
I was preparing a response that would continue the conversation, until realizing that this would mean me talking to a girl.
Filled with crippling fear, I immediately pawned her off to the person who’s best with these non-male peoples, Kyle Bauer.
Here is a chart to follow along.
A Fall Man
Before KB responded to her, we had a sit down to further hash out this plan. As Kyle is new to the “social media prank” scene, I valiantly volunteered to take point on this one. First thing we needed, in case this went belly up, was a fall guy. Somebody desperate for friendship and human interaction.
The ball was in Thomas’s court, as he was immediately given the handles of the puker, and hair holder, along with a caption that was short and to the point. Tommy replied eagerly (as he would) and sent her my direction so I could start that typical new guy busy work of placing the logo on the video.
We had amazingly sent this unsuspecting woman in a circle. The cycle was complete, yet we couldn’t give in just yet.
Just as I was about to give this video “approval”, I had realized that my phone had been on mute the entire time. And to make matters worse, when played at full volume, you could just almost make out the muffled sounds of a Billboard Top 40 Hit. Not good. Not good at all. Fortunately, all she would need to do is contact my good friend and audio engineer KBnoSwag to get this little speed bump resolved.
Start lap 2.
Her laughing emoji implies that she is in good spirits. She sees an end in sight. A light at the end of the tunnel.
Unfortunately for her, KB just takes the songs out of videos. The huge responsibility of the selecting a song from our vast catalogue belongs to a much more seasoned employee.
Unless she had the patience of a saint , there is no way she’d keep this up.
Tommy, a veteran when it comes to curating content from college aged girls, helped her choose the song but unfortunately PSP4 (the perfect tune for the video) was only located on my machine.
With the song added, it was ready to roll. Aside from the length of the video being just a bit too long. Lucky for all of us, the master of cropping, KB, was only a message away.
Begin lap 3. If this were Mario Kart, the music would start to speed up.
Special Effect Confirmation
Now isn't the time to be indecisive.
Her failure to commit was like blood in the water to KB, who enticed her with even further options.
Her patience, finally being tested, is clear in her explanation to just send screenshots.
Thank god for Geoffrey. Love that kid.
Final File Name
What account is that? WHAT ACCOUNT IS THAT? I refused to answer.
Just like that. I'll admit, we started to
get lazy exhaust all our creative resources on any further steps. None of us had expected this to go on this long.
In order for us to prevent any embarrassment we had to be responsible and be sure she wasn't a robot.
We had decided it was time to be so ridiculous that she'd see right through this harmless pra-
I actually would like to give her credit for deciphering this impossible CAPTCHA as best as anybody could.
Swallowing some pride, and admitting defeat, I was tasked with finding her an easier CAPTCHA. But in a stroke of bad luck, I just didn't have the ability to generate one.
Guilt started to build inside of me. I couldn't allow this poor girl to start a fourth lap. I needed to find a way to prevent this. As rapper, DJ Casper would say, "Reverse, Reverse".
Level 10 CAPTCHA
Tommy, a real competitor, refuses to waste his time with any easy CAPTCHA's, to the dismay of our new friend.
To the relief of everybody involved, Kyle managed to have a slightly easier CAPTCHA
As of 2pm, no message to Tommy. It was obvious she didn't want the video posted that badly. If she does end up messaging Mr. Smokes, he will have to be the one to break it to her that our previous session has expired and we will have to begin again.
Feel the need to say, at this point I really did start to feel bad. Her video wasn't that bad at all, and she's been without a doubt the most patient human on the planet. If you see this, know you're an angel and please submit your video to Chuck. He's got the easiest CAPTCHA's.