The Barstool Fund - In Support Of The 30 Day FundLearn More

I Cannot Comprehend How Slow Shawn Mendes And Camila Cabello Walk

There are quite a few things that bother me in this world such as insects, people who put on their blinkers but don't actually turn, and those who prefer pencils over pens. Sitting right at the top of that list are slow walkers. 

I am incapable of comprehending how people like this exist on the same Earth that I do. On my daily 20 minute walk to work everyday (when there isn't a global pandemic going on) my mind is typically occupied on one thing: how it could be humanly possible for some people to walk as slow as they do. Sometimes I have to stop in my tracks to wonder how so and so ever gets anywhere on time. I don't get it! Maybe I myself am an impatiently fast walker just trying to get somewhere, but this is pure lunacy. 

I would rather not be alive than have to walk as slow as Shawn Mendes and Camila Cabello do in the video above. Honestly, how much weed did they smoke to walk negative miles per hour? We're all stuck in quarantine bored as shit, maybe they ate a full brownie and thought it wasn't hitting so they smoked a bowl after. We've all been there once or twice. I guess that's the only reasonable explanation for this, but for the sake of the blog let's act like they're somehow sober. 

I can usually put up with just about any flaw a woman has because I look the way I do, but the line in the sand has been drawn. I don't care who you are, if you walk this slow I'm out. I can't physically do this without my insides lighting themselves on fire. My heart would know to put me out of my misery and just stop working. I wasn't able to get through the whole video. If I lasted the full 37 seconds I straight up would have had a panic attack. 

Some are saying this is a form of meditation. Let me make this clear, you are a giant asshole if you meditate like this. I'm all for taking care of you and putting down technology to zen out, but if I see someone walking around my neighborhood like this I'm going to assume coronavirus has turned the infected into zombies and call the authorities. 

P.S. The deep breathing by the person filming this in their car is by far the scariest part of the entire video. Paparazzi are the creepiest people alive.