Breaking News: COVID-19 Is Finished, This Televangelist Said So
Oh alright looks like we can just pack up and call it a day. Tell the USNS Comfort to turn around. You can take down the tents at the Central Park Hospital. Tell the Morgue Trucks in Brooklyn they can just head back to the weigh stations. They wont be needed any more. Because this guy said so. He canceled COVID the same way that Michael Scott declared bankruptcy.
And now you might be wondering, what makes Kenny Copes different from everyone else who has been praying for the Corona Virus to disappear? What separates Ken from all of us at home who have been motherfucking COVID-19 to our four walls and our ceiling as we sit in quarantine? Well let me break it down for you. Let me explain how televangelists are more powerful than you.
First thing's first, its the magic. Kenneth Copeland is a minister of the Lord Jesus Christ and so therefore he has the power of magic. No better magician than Jesus Christ and Kenneth Copeland is like, one degree of Kevin Bacon away from Jesus so he's definitely got a bunch of that magic.
Second thing, its the money. Kenneth Copeland is worth $760 million. Yes thats right. Seven hundred and sixty million dollars. Thats one million dollars, seven hundred and sixty times. And we're talking American, USD, United States Dollars. Not pesos or some shit. So honestly I think you could probably buy off Corona virus with that kinda coin. I figured a submicroscopic infectious pathogen who knows nothing other than seek, replicate, destroy and kill could not be stopped by superficial, materialistic means. But then I learned Kenneth has 760 million and I was like "Oh shit just tell that motherfucker Corona if they stop they'll get like half a billion." I firmly believe theres nothing in this world that a few hundred million cant stop. So the magic and the money are a VERY good head start over those chumps like Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx. With your "science" and your "logic." Just get the rich magician on the case.
Magic and Money, its a great start. But what comes next? The logical progression. First You get the money. Then you get the muthafuckin magic.. After you get the fuckin magic muthafuckas will respect you. Magic Money and you get that respect by instilling fear into the Corona Virus. Looks like Kenneth Copeland tossed on a Dead Presidents mask and simply tried to SCARE away the Corona Virus:
Kenny! You're scarin us! Kinda surprised that mug wasnt enough to send Corona Virus back to the bats in China. If I was a virus, one look at that mug and I'd be like "No fuckin thanks. Thats not gonna be my new home."
But thats just the big picture. You gotta get down to the nitty gritty execution to understand how Kenneth Copeland simply stopped Corona virus. Notice that he didnt ask COVID-19 to stop spreading. He didnt suggest COVID-19 refrain from killing. He demanded it. And he didnt just demand it...he demand, he demand, he DEMANDED it:
Next up he made sure there was no game of semantics to be played with the Corona Virus. Much like Pardon My Take will ask "Hurt or Injured?" Corona Virus could have simply agreed to being finished, but never agreed to being DONE. So Kenny covered all his bases:
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Moving along, Kenneth channeled his inner Yoda to battle the Corona Virus. You dont get to three quarters of a billion with just regular old Jesus Magic. No. You also need to tap into The Force like a Jedi Master:
Mmmm. Distance yourselves socially, you will. Finished, Corona virus is!
Now, the last piece of the puzzle. One of the most important things to remember about our fight against this terrible, terrible disease: we cannot fight it alone. We are in this together. And like every televangelist cutting a WWE promo to convince the lemmings and the puppets to give you all their money and believe in all your bullshit, you need a good hype man! Look at the performance from this cat:
Like Sean "Puffy" Combs on, like, every track from 1994 to 1999, all up on the records and dancing in the videos. Reiterating words of emphasis. I was waiting for him to drop a "Take that! Take that! a-ha ha!" I was hoping we'd maybe get some "Skrrrrrt" "WOO" "Thot" "Drip" "TALIBAN!" like we were listening to Migos. Kenneth Copeland and George Pearsons - The Tag Team Champions of this World, and the next, just double teaming the fuck out of the Corona Virus. Kenny was like "GEORGEEEEE! GET THE TABLES!!"
And the last step to ending the Corona Virus threat? A final declaration. A final proclamation. So there can be no mix ups. Theres no way that the Hantavirus would hear this and think that it was for him and not his pal Corona virus. Theres no way that Corona Virus could think that this prayer was for healing China and Italy, and not the United States. Kenneth Copeland had to have his "B-Rabbit at the Shelter" mic drop moment. This was his "Fuck it. I'll get the 7 digits from your mother for a dollar tomorrow" moment:
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NO MORE!! Lookin like Razor Ramon in the ring up on that podium:
And so thats it, folks. The United States of America is healed, and well, again. Thats all it took. Magic, money, fear, and a well delivered promo with an A+ hype man. Trump has been trying to do the same thing at the White House he just doesn't got it like that anymore. He aint about that life anymore. He went corporate when he became POTUS. But the Snake Oil Salesman in the chapel? Well those guys still got the juice. Those guys still got the power. Peace out, COVID-19. Maybe try again next year. Maybe COVID-20 will have an answer for Kenny Copes, the 750 million dollar man. But by then he'll be a billionaire and his face will be that much scarier. COVID-20 is gonna have his hands full dealing with Kenny and George in the fall. Good Luck Marco from Tropoja Voice
PS - Is there any group on the planet with colder takes than priests? Specifically televangelists? We need a @ColdTakesExposed specifically for the religious nuts. Every week they say they are going to fix something through the power of prayer and they legitimately NEVER do. Not once! Like these guys declaring Corona Virus gone…does anybody raise their hand the next day at church and say "Hey remember when you guys said COVID-19 was done and finished? THAT AGED WELL." We need more Twitter Justice in our churches and chapels. That will get priests to stop with all the talky talk and maybe start doing the walky walk. Because nothing is more embarrassing than getting Cold Takes Exposed. Like look at this asshole talking about "Super Natural Sustenance"
Just telling the people that when they run out of toilet paper they are actually gonna magically find more TP….because, God. Well when the members of that congregation are sitting on the bowl with a crack full of shit, waddling their way over to the shower because there was nobody magically multiple loaves and fishes and Charmin, that priest should have to hear it the next day. The same way we always demand that refs and umps and officials should have to sit in front of the media and answer for bad calls they make in a game? Priests should have to do that too when they just make up religious bullshit and trick people into relying on that instead of actual advice.