Britney Spears Says She Ran A 5.97 Second 100m Dash, Which Means She Just OBLITERATED Usain Bolt's World Record Of 9.58 Seconds

USA! USA! USA! The Olympics may be pushed back to 2021 but that isn't stopping America from raising the athletic bar to another stratosphere for everyone else around the world. I have long subscribed to the theory that the United States would be an absolute force in soccer if our best athletes focused on futbol instead of football (and basketball and pretty much every other sport other than soccer after we turn 6). 

Well it turns out that this also applies to our pop stars since Britney Spears is almost TWICE as fast as the "fastest human on the planet" at the ripe old age of 38 yet chose to become a singing icon instead of a track and field legend despite being faster than the fucking Flash. But you know what? I don't blame her. Being able to dust anyone in the planet in a foot race is cool and all. But it doesn't pay the bills as much as international pop superstardom nor does it make you nearly as much of a legend outside of elementary school, when the fastest kids were looked at as Gods. Because while Usain Bolt has had a few cool moments that match his cool ass name, tell me which of these moments are more iconic:

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Vs.

WINNER:

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Only one of those people changed the lives of millions of young men and women around the world and it sure as shit wasn't the dude posing next to a sign with numbers. Someone send Britney a Gold medal for the 2020 Olympics since I'm sure they've already been made and we will see you bitches in Tokyo come 2021.