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The 5 Girls You Will Date During Coronavirus

1. Your Current Girlfriend

This one's hard to get around. Maybe if you saw the quarantine coming you would've broke it off in January, but unfortunately you're not a United States Senator. She's a nice enough girl—maybe even too nice—but there is absolutely no way you two are lasting cooped up inside your apartment for 8 weeks. You tried to watch Tiger King and she took Carole's side. See ya.

2. Registered Nurse

At this point, the only real opportunity you'll have to get out of the house will be when you feel a tightness in your chest so you go to get tested for the virus. You honestly hope that you have it so you can get it over with, but you don't. That tightness is just underlying anxiety about the uncertain future or your heart is actually broken from your recent breakup. Either way, you're going to catch the test-administering nurse on the rebound. However, you soon realize that she's a pretty hot commodity these days. You aren't the only guy with cabin fever who came to get their nostrils violated. Every semi-sick Rick in town is making a run at her. The sheer amount of attention she's getting makes the math 100% that she will cheat on you. It's 36% likely to be physical, 25% likely to be emotional, and 61% likely that she will cheat on you both physically and emotionally. Don't sweat it though, she's got covid now. 

3. Gamer tag "pixiedevil155"

You'll meet a girl on PlayStation Network. That's a fact. It should sound good in theory because you love to game, but—for whatever reason—it doesn't even sound good in theory. From the jump, it will be impossible to know if you're being catfished. You'll have fun together, but a lurking suspicion about how many Call of Duty hours she's logging will be impossible to overcome. You'll enable voice chat—albeit briefly—and hear that she sounds like a female woman. But the nine minute conversation won't be enough to completely convince you. Also, the conversation won't end because she has to go, it will end because you ran out of things to talk about. You'll begin to realize that she/he is not even the problem. It's you. You have real commitment issues.

4. Daisy from TurboTax Live Tax Advice

Eventually, you'll be so bored that you start your taxes. The thought process behind it won't even be, "I've been procrastinating long enough, let's get this over with." No. Once you reach this level of coronavirus, you'll actually think that doing taxes sounds like a nice change up from your current life. You'll meet Daisy—a certified CPA—through a question you have about filing for a home office. You've been working from home for over a month, that has to count right? Daisy says it doesn't. Daisy will never know that you two are in a relationship, but you will take a vow of faithfulness to her after completing her optional survey.

5.

You will die from coronavirus. I'm sorry to say it, but you are going to be the statistical anomaly of a young healthy person with no preexisting issues that Covid-19 will finally beat. The media will use your story as a warning to college sophomores who, at this point, will have resumed their spring break plans—this time in Tampa Bay. Looking down from Heaven (giving you the benefit of the doubt) you will wish you had just stayed with your original girlfriend. You're biggest takeaway from life will be that your only regrets are the things you didn't do—not anything that you did. So instead of thinking about your breakup with your original girlfriend as something you did, in your mind you will frame it as continuing to date her was something that you didn't do—therefore you regret it.  Heaven turns out to be all everyone said it was, and you actually aren't even mad that you died.