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Barstool Update - Zonker, The Best Barstool Writer You've Never Heard Of Is Still Doing Zonker Things

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So veteran Stoolies may recall who Zonker is. He’s kind of like a a Barstool myth. An urban legend if you will.  A guy who is only talked about in hushed tones in the dark corners of the internet.  All we know for sure is that Zonker  owns the domain name barstool.com and has made a habit of responding to Stoolies who send in tips to the wrong email address.   For the past 5 years or so anytime emails to tips@barstool.com Zonker gets it and responds to them.   I blogged about him back and 2011 and haven’t mentioned him since.  But apparently Zonker is still doing Zonker things.   Still one of the weirdest quirks of the Barstool empire.   The mysterious ways of Zonker.

 

Reader Email

I tried sending you guys a tip and sent it to the wrong e-mail. Check out the reply from this smudge

Begin forwarded message:
From: “Tips@barstool.com”
Date: November 22, 2014 at 2:15:13 AM EST
To: Shawn McDevitt
Subject: Your Email to Barstool

Dear Stoolie,

I have been monitoring these emails randomly for several years and I think I finally figured out who you are.

Your that guy who passes out at the party and when his friends do all sorts of humiliating and gross things to you while recording it, you proudly post the video yourself.

You think every halfway decent looking (and some not even) co-ed is a “smoke” and think she is worth posting to an Internet that is full of actual beautiful women. You like girls much younger than you because they’re only a little more mature than you.

You fixate on getting laid even though its something you hardly remember actually doing because the few times you have you were so drunk you can’t really remember it. Your either a self loathing homosexual or just haven’t figured it out yet. Its why your homophobic

You lie and brag about all the women you’ve gotten that you haven’t really gotten. Its pretty obvious to everyone but no one has the heart to tell you.
Actually its not about heart they just like watching you be a fool.

You’ll find yourself doing grunt work or all the types of people you make fun of.

You whine a lot. Your one of the dumbest sports fans in existence.

Basically your that loser who just can’t see what a loser they are. Even
though everyone else knows. You know the type, there’s a reason your friends with so many

So your trying to get to the right place but unsurprisingly your not competent enough to type the right email address. So I’m going to explain where you went wrong. I’ll type slowly so you can read slowly enough to understand:

the address you want is tips@barstoolSPORTS.com. The capitalized part (the part in bigger letters) is very important. You left it out in your first email and now you are subject to ridicule (oh hell you probably are totally desensitized* to it by now) and god only knows what will be done with YOUR EMAIL address.

So try again and please include a copy of this email. Who knows maybe you’ll win a prize in some contest that hasn’t been thought up yet.

*you can’t feel it because so much of your social interaction (stuff with people) is you being ridiculed** that it just seems like normal to you.

**made fun of, laughing at you not with you.

Cordially,
Zonker H.

 

 

Fucking Zonker man.  Ruthless.