Who Stole Mike Vrabel's Super Bowl Rings?
To all the Houston area pawn shops: 3 super bowl rings are headed your way. Courtesy of the mother fuckers who smashed our back door in
— Mike Vrabel (@CoachVrabel50) November 8, 2014
First things first: Our thoughts and prayers go out to the Vrabel’s right now. Short of murder or rape, getting your house robbed has got to be the worst crime that can happen to you. If someone tries to assault you, you at least have the chance to defend yourself. But what are you supposed to do about this? You work your ass off your whole life, make something out of yourself and become a champion, only to have some punk break in while you’re out earning a living and takes the very fruit of your labor just so they can sell your stuff to get high or whatever? It’s maddening. And let’s not kid ourselves that these punks will never be able to fence the stuff. That’s what we said about the guys who pulled the Gardner Museum heist. But somebody, somewhere has Rembrandt’s only seascape, Storm on the Sea of Galilee (thanks, Final Jeopardy!) hanging above the TV in the den. So what chance do we have of a Houston area pawn star getting a conscience over Vrabel’s rings?
On the other hand, it’s possible this wasn’t a crime about money at all. When you’re as successful as Mike Vrabel and his Patriots have been, you make a lot of enemies. The world is lousy with jealous, resentful people who can’t bear the thought those rings were stolen from them and they’d stop at nothing to steal them back. Which mother fuckers could’ve taken them? These mother fuckers. Round up the usual suspects:
5. Mark Davis, Raiders
Reason He’s a Suspect: When the Raiders visited Foxboro in September, Jonathan Kraft did the courtesy of showing Al Davis’ half-a-simpleton kid around the Patriots office. When the runt of the Davis litter saw the Lombardi Trophy from Super Bowl 36 he pointed to it and said “That one belongs to us.” Then he asked for some juice and took a nap.
Why He Might Not Be Guilty: Even kicking a door in requires some degree of cognitive thinking.
4. Terrell Suggs, Ravens
Reason He’s a Suspect: Even on the bitchiest, whiniest team in all of pro sports, his bitchy-whininess stands supreme. After the Ravens beat the Patriots in the AFCCG, Suggs let his resentment fly: “Tell them to have fun at the Pro Bowl. Arrogant fuckers! These are the most arrogant pricks in the world, starting with Belichick on down. That’s funny, ever since Spygate they haven’t been able to win.”
Why He Might Not Be Guilty: He doesn’t seem the B&E type. His criminal MO is more of the “Smash your babymama’s nose across her face and pour bleach on her and your child” kind of thing
3. Joey Porter, Steelers
Reason He’s a Suspect: Another of the AFC North guys who think the only reason the Patriots beat them in the playoffs was they pointed a camera at the Jets‘ sideline in the non-designated pointing-cameras-at-the-Jets-sidelines area. When Spygate first broke, he wasted no time blaming two home losses in the AFCCG on that and that alone. “They [the Patriots] cheated, there should be an asterisk. They cheated and they got caught,” he said. Porter then called Belichick’s fine a “slap on the wrist didn’t fit the crime. They went from zero to 60 overnight and [Belichick] went from a good coach to a great great coach and he got caught cheating.”
Why He Might Not Be Guilty: Breaking into a house requires you to be quiet, and he hasn’t shut his yap for a full minute in his entire life.
2. Marshall Faulk, Rams
Reason He’s a Suspect: Has never made any effort to hide his spiteful, repugnant disgust at (his words) “being cheated me out of the Super Bowl” by the Patriots. No one on TV is as blatantly obvious about his hatred for a franchise as Faulk is towards the Pats. Israel gets a fairer shake on Al Jazeera than they get from him.
Why He Might Not Be Guilty: I think if he planned to break into Vrabel’s house, Belichick would’ve figured it out and put Willie McGinest up to hitting him every time he tried.
1. Putin, Russia
Reason He’s a Suspect: This wouldn’t be his first offense.
Why He Might Not Be Guilty: I got nothing. Once a Super Bowl ring thief, always a Super Bowl thief. Arrest that man. @JerryThornton1