NYC Health Releases Their Guidelines For Sex And Masturbation During The Corona Virus COVID-19 Pandemic

Well I got good news and I got bad news. Lets start with the good news. We could all use a little pick me up. First thing's first:

You cant get corona through cum!

Sorry ladies! I know you're probably not waxing and shaving and anything else during this quarantine, and I know you probably thought you were gonna get out of blow job duty. But you thought wrong. Cum is A-OK during this Corona Quarantine. Now, fellas I also know what you're thinking: Its gonna be extremely difficult for anyone to blow me if they are standing 6-10 feet away. As a matter of fact, its impossible for anyone other than the great Big Pun (may he rest in peace) to get head under the Corona Guidelines. If you'll remember, Pun told us "you couldnt measure his dick with 6 rulers." So Big Pun and his 7 foot long dick would have no problem getting dome the next few months, but the rest of us are gonna have to break some rules. But everyone can rest assured whether you spit or swallow, semen is CORONA FREE, BABY!

Now on to the bad news...its is MOST DEFINITELY NOT Ass Eating Szn. Turns out if you like to eat ass you're just having yourself a healthy serving of COVID-19. I know we're all furious at that one weird Asian who decided to eat a bat, but honestly would it surprise you if we found out the Corona outbreak was tied to people licking each other's assholes? Like I just have a feeling historians and scientists are gonna look back and be like "Well right around the year 2017 it become REALLY popular for humans to start putting their mouths on each other's anuses and within a couple years there was a deadly outbreak that wiped out half the population." It just seems like maybe the whole planet got too kinky for its own good and this is Darwin course correcting. Like the experiment went wrong and the Grand Architect In The Sky was like "Alright, enough is ENOUGH. Burn it down. Start over. They've been eating each others asses. I've really let this one get away from me."

But shout out to NYC for keeping it real and not just preaching abstinence. They know that we arent gonna stop fucking. Like I'll tell you RIGHT NOW, if I hook up during this quarantine, I'll be eating her butt. I just will. I know its dumb. The guidelines tell me I can catch it. And I'm still gonna do it. So props to NYC for basically being like "We know you freaks are gonna be jerking off all over the place, having FaceTime orgies, and eating your neighbors assholes. Its really really not a good idea but if you do all this stuff, lets just make sure you wash your hands a lot ok?"

Just be safe out there. Make sure you wearing a Corona Condom: