Florida Man Arrested For Extreme Shopping aka Jerking Off In Front Of Chicks At The Mall
SOURCE – Police say one shopper got his pants half-off. A man accused of flashing women at a mall in Sanford, Florida last week allegedly told officers he was just “extreme shopping,” the Orlando Sentinel reports. Christopher Glaze, 27, was arrested on October 20 after two women reported that he had exposed himself to each of them in separate incidents inside the mall. Glaze allegedly explained that “extreme shopping” was “when you go shopping and you talk to girls and flirt,” according to WKMG. He was charged with two counts of indecent exposure of sexual organs.
Well I feel like a pussy. I always thought that extreme shopping was more like Supermarket Sweep or going to the mall at 4 a.m. on Black Friday or getting into a yelling match with the 7/11 owner by my apartment because he never has any goddam hot dogs on the rollers late night. Christopher Glaze just changed the game, though. Shopping and talking to girls and flirting? That shit is extreme as some late-90s era Doritos.
The flirting on its own can be nerve wracking enough, but if you’re trying to pull off this extreme shopping move you’ve probably got plenty of confidence. But malls? That’s stressful shit for anyone. There’s a bunch of tweens running around, old people crushing laps, the beckoning cloud-like aroma of Auntie Anne’s hangs thick in the air like the fog of an Everglades dawn. And those are just exterior factors; you’ve also got the actual shopping.
You can’t walk around with nothing all day and make it obvious you’re just there to hit on girls, but you also don’t want to be carrying a thousand bags, so what do you get? Hit H&M and get something cheap and light? Go to Spencer’s Gifts and get something that could be a conversation piece? Maybe head to Brookstone or the Apple store and make it known you’ve got some cash to spend. There are a lot of things to keep track of mentally. You get one or two signals crossed and the next thing you know you’re pounding off in front of the Sephora just like Chris Glaze. Seen it a thousand times. @EricBarstool